This evening, I put on the news to see updates on the conditions and power outages. Of course, the studio cut to a reporter on the street. And you saw a car or two driving around and very few people walking on the sidewalk. Then a jogger came past the camera. Yes, someone was jogging in 6 inches of snow, which was continuing to fall furiously. And you know how much warmth, insolation, and water resistance you get from jogging shoes. I'm just saying that if you jog during a blizzard you deserve to lose a few frostbitten toes.
Friday, February 05, 2010
You Asked for It, Clubfoot
In case you haven't heard, the DC area is presently getting pummeled by a blizzard. We're expecting to get 20+ inches. You might be happy to know that I bucked the accepted reputation of lazy federal employees by reporting to the office at 7 this morning, as usual.
This evening, I put on the news to see updates on the conditions and power outages. Of course, the studio cut to a reporter on the street. And you saw a car or two driving around and very few people walking on the sidewalk. Then a jogger came past the camera. Yes, someone was jogging in 6 inches of snow, which was continuing to fall furiously. And you know how much warmth, insolation, and water resistance you get from jogging shoes. I'm just saying that if you jog during a blizzard you deserve to lose a few frostbitten toes.
This evening, I put on the news to see updates on the conditions and power outages. Of course, the studio cut to a reporter on the street. And you saw a car or two driving around and very few people walking on the sidewalk. Then a jogger came past the camera. Yes, someone was jogging in 6 inches of snow, which was continuing to fall furiously. And you know how much warmth, insolation, and water resistance you get from jogging shoes. I'm just saying that if you jog during a blizzard you deserve to lose a few frostbitten toes.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Epic Family Portraits
There is so much I could say about this picture, but I can't find the words. The background, the matching outfits, the future roadie for a Quiet Riot tribute band. It's all stellar. What I want most is an updated picture and some current family information. Something like, "While the rest of us continue to tour the country as a Christian folk group/certified public accountants, Jeffrey is still working on his fashion line of knee-high boots, stone-washed jeans, leather jackets, bandanas, fingerless leather gloves, and ratty hair extensions. We remain hopeful that he will show for Thanksgiving some year."
AZT
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Knock it off...David Caruso
Here is something that is really starting to pinch my tits: David Caruso on CSI: Miami.
First, Caruso is a ginger, and according to the show, he is from New York. Anyone with that melanin background would have been annihilated by skin cancer after spending a week in Miami. Caruso has been on the show since 2002. I'm pretty fair skinned but not a ginger. I tried to go to Miami once and they wouldn't let me leave the airport because of my vampiric complexion. Caruso is basking down there.
Two, no one ever tells Caruso that he looks and acts like a douchebag. Wearing a suit with no tie, dark sunglasses, and poofy red hair do not make you a bad mofo. Having a gruff voice does not mean you can whoop some ass. And being a crime scene investigator does not give you permission to do searches and go after criminals. That is what cops and detectives do.
Third, his stupid lines. Holy cripes. You may as well not turn on CSI: Miami until after the first five minutes, because you already know what is going to happen. Here is the formula for Caruso's first few minutes of the show:
1. Quickly analyze crime scene.
2. Remove sunglasses from jacket pocket.
3. Say one half of douchey line.
4. Put on sunglasses.
5. Say second half of douchey line.
Here is an example. Caruso arrives at the crime scene and observes a homicide victim covered in whipped cream and chocolate sauce. After receiving a few facts from an investigator who is checking the body, Caruso stands up and pulls his sunglasses from his inside jacket pocket. As he opens the stems of the sunglasses, Caruso says, "Well, I guess he got his..." he puts on the sunglasses, "just desserts." And then the show fades into the opening credits.
You may remember a similar formula from a character and show that didn't totally suck. Each episode of Law and Order used to begin with a crime scene and a sarcastic comment from Lenny Briscoe. But Lenny Briscoe wasn't a wussy ginger guy (I'm pulling out my sunglasses right now) who was trying to be much tougher and cooler...than he actually was (Sunglasses on! Queue the Who!).
First, Caruso is a ginger, and according to the show, he is from New York. Anyone with that melanin background would have been annihilated by skin cancer after spending a week in Miami. Caruso has been on the show since 2002. I'm pretty fair skinned but not a ginger. I tried to go to Miami once and they wouldn't let me leave the airport because of my vampiric complexion. Caruso is basking down there.
Two, no one ever tells Caruso that he looks and acts like a douchebag. Wearing a suit with no tie, dark sunglasses, and poofy red hair do not make you a bad mofo. Having a gruff voice does not mean you can whoop some ass. And being a crime scene investigator does not give you permission to do searches and go after criminals. That is what cops and detectives do.
Third, his stupid lines. Holy cripes. You may as well not turn on CSI: Miami until after the first five minutes, because you already know what is going to happen. Here is the formula for Caruso's first few minutes of the show:
1. Quickly analyze crime scene.
2. Remove sunglasses from jacket pocket.
3. Say one half of douchey line.
4. Put on sunglasses.
5. Say second half of douchey line.
Here is an example. Caruso arrives at the crime scene and observes a homicide victim covered in whipped cream and chocolate sauce. After receiving a few facts from an investigator who is checking the body, Caruso stands up and pulls his sunglasses from his inside jacket pocket. As he opens the stems of the sunglasses, Caruso says, "Well, I guess he got his..." he puts on the sunglasses, "just desserts." And then the show fades into the opening credits.
You may remember a similar formula from a character and show that didn't totally suck. Each episode of Law and Order used to begin with a crime scene and a sarcastic comment from Lenny Briscoe. But Lenny Briscoe wasn't a wussy ginger guy (I'm pulling out my sunglasses right now) who was trying to be much tougher and cooler...than he actually was (Sunglasses on! Queue the Who!).
AZT
Monday, January 04, 2010
Sci-Fi Book Covers
I found the following books while at my in-laws' house yesterday.
Lion-man beings opt to go shirtless, but modesty reigns when it comes to anything below the belt. Logic leads me to believe that Chanur is the central figure in the foreground, but who or what is giving Chanur direction? Kind of looks like an outerspace version of the Grim Reaper. Also, something is glowing in the pink room to Chanur's left. It kind of looks like they're in a mall, so maybe it's a Victoria's Secret. I envision Alien Death saying, "Okay, Chanur. Head toward the water fountain and make a left at As Seen on TV! The Pretzel Place will be on the right, before the bathrooms."
More than anything else, I would have loved to be in the editorial meetings when these covers were chosen. "Ah, yes! Brilliant. These covers will assure that absolutely no one will buy these books, except for irony and gag gifts."
Is Sundiver going to be adapted into a David Lynch movie? If the book cover is any indication, it could be crappier than Dune. Questions abound on this cover. What is the albino alien pointing at, and why is he directing Topher Grace to look? Since when do fluorescent green donuts fly? Why does Brigitte Nielsen have a headache? And that girl in the background has an enormous set of earphones for her iPod.
Lion-man beings opt to go shirtless, but modesty reigns when it comes to anything below the belt. Logic leads me to believe that Chanur is the central figure in the foreground, but who or what is giving Chanur direction? Kind of looks like an outerspace version of the Grim Reaper. Also, something is glowing in the pink room to Chanur's left. It kind of looks like they're in a mall, so maybe it's a Victoria's Secret. I envision Alien Death saying, "Okay, Chanur. Head toward the water fountain and make a left at As Seen on TV! The Pretzel Place will be on the right, before the bathrooms."
More than anything else, I would have loved to be in the editorial meetings when these covers were chosen. "Ah, yes! Brilliant. These covers will assure that absolutely no one will buy these books, except for irony and gag gifts."
AZT
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Ask AZT: He's Giving Answers for Christmas
Do you have any New Year's resolutions? - Tammy Dombrowski, Buffalo, NY
I'm resolving to not have any resolutions on January 1 and to resolve all problems as I recognize them throughout the year. Like the other day. I was standing on the subway. I was tired and rested my head against the pole for a second. And my brain said, "Hey. Hey! You're getting all kinds of germs on your head right now, and your head will be all germy and gross for Christmas. Stop it." And at that moment I resolved to never rest my head on a pole in the subway ever again. Problem resolved. Why wait until January?
Over the course of a career, who has been the bigger whore: Madonna or Christina Aguilera? - Randy Wolfe, Goose Creek, SC
Shouldn't you have asked this when Aguilera was all nasty grrrl a few years back? Now she's more scrubbed and is a mom. So is Madonna. But with a kind of level playing field, I'll analyze the question. Both Madonna and Aguilera produced songs and videos with sexed-up lyrics and images, such as "Like a Virgin" and "Candyman." Both were lightening rods for talk about the sexual content in contemporary popular music.
But Madonna did all the groundwork for later acts like Janet Jackson, Britney Spears, and Aguilera, who exploited sexuality for sales. Madonna has flirted with controversy for much of her career and has had several of her videos banned for questionable content. She published the subtly titled book "Sex," which featured her conoodling with Vanilla Ice of all people.
And Madonna did the nasty with Dennis Rodman. Doing the nasty with Dennis Rodman is the ultimate tie-breaker for any discussion about who is a bigger whore.
Is there a celebrity who hasn't put out a Christmas album or holiday TV special? - Reggie Heston, Santa Fe, NM
The list of celebrities who haven't tried to cash in on Christmas must be shorter than Donald Trump's penis. Pretty much anyone who has been moderately recognized by the consuming public has done something related to Christmas.
The thing I could never understand was Barbra Streisand singing Christmas carols. You don't hear Mariah Carey singing the Dreidel Song and you sure as hell don't hear Toby Keith singing Kwanza songs. I'm all for diversity, but profitize in your own religion or demographic, Barb! For an example, listen to James Brown's, "Santa is Going Straight to the Ghetto." (You may think I'm making that up, but, sadly, I am not.) James Brown grew up during the Depression in a poor town in South Carolina. The guy knew what he was singing about.
As far as celebrities who haven't pumped out a Christmas product, the Wu-Tang Clan comes to mind, as does Danzig and most other metal bands. Cripes, this is tough. There must be a certain level of fame and success you can attain and once you go past that level, a lawyer appears. He is named the Ghost of Christmas Profitizing. He says, "Ah, you've a preset level of success with the American public. According to your contract you must now produce a Christmas product. Now go sing a few bullshit renditions of traditional carols and fun songs like 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.' Don't make me be a Scrooge and bust your balls over this."
I'm resolving to not have any resolutions on January 1 and to resolve all problems as I recognize them throughout the year. Like the other day. I was standing on the subway. I was tired and rested my head against the pole for a second. And my brain said, "Hey. Hey! You're getting all kinds of germs on your head right now, and your head will be all germy and gross for Christmas. Stop it." And at that moment I resolved to never rest my head on a pole in the subway ever again. Problem resolved. Why wait until January?
Over the course of a career, who has been the bigger whore: Madonna or Christina Aguilera? - Randy Wolfe, Goose Creek, SC
Shouldn't you have asked this when Aguilera was all nasty grrrl a few years back? Now she's more scrubbed and is a mom. So is Madonna. But with a kind of level playing field, I'll analyze the question. Both Madonna and Aguilera produced songs and videos with sexed-up lyrics and images, such as "Like a Virgin" and "Candyman." Both were lightening rods for talk about the sexual content in contemporary popular music.
But Madonna did all the groundwork for later acts like Janet Jackson, Britney Spears, and Aguilera, who exploited sexuality for sales. Madonna has flirted with controversy for much of her career and has had several of her videos banned for questionable content. She published the subtly titled book "Sex," which featured her conoodling with Vanilla Ice of all people.
And Madonna did the nasty with Dennis Rodman. Doing the nasty with Dennis Rodman is the ultimate tie-breaker for any discussion about who is a bigger whore.
Is there a celebrity who hasn't put out a Christmas album or holiday TV special? - Reggie Heston, Santa Fe, NM
The list of celebrities who haven't tried to cash in on Christmas must be shorter than Donald Trump's penis. Pretty much anyone who has been moderately recognized by the consuming public has done something related to Christmas.
The thing I could never understand was Barbra Streisand singing Christmas carols. You don't hear Mariah Carey singing the Dreidel Song and you sure as hell don't hear Toby Keith singing Kwanza songs. I'm all for diversity, but profitize in your own religion or demographic, Barb! For an example, listen to James Brown's, "Santa is Going Straight to the Ghetto." (You may think I'm making that up, but, sadly, I am not.) James Brown grew up during the Depression in a poor town in South Carolina. The guy knew what he was singing about.
As far as celebrities who haven't pumped out a Christmas product, the Wu-Tang Clan comes to mind, as does Danzig and most other metal bands. Cripes, this is tough. There must be a certain level of fame and success you can attain and once you go past that level, a lawyer appears. He is named the Ghost of Christmas Profitizing. He says, "Ah, you've a preset level of success with the American public. According to your contract you must now produce a Christmas product. Now go sing a few bullshit renditions of traditional carols and fun songs like 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.' Don't make me be a Scrooge and bust your balls over this."
AZT
Friday, December 11, 2009
AZT's 12 Days of Christmas
Nearly everyone knows the song "The 12 Days of Christmas" where a lover buys the object of his or her affection an insane collection of gifts. PNC Bank publishes a Christmas Price Index each year that states the value of the gifts, adjusted for inflation and price fluctuations. This year's price for the 12 Days of Christmas is $21,465.56. A sizable sum, but who actually wants all this crap? Here would be my reaction to each gift on each of the 12 days of Christmas.
A Partridge in a Pear Tree: Although I don't like pears and don't know what a partridge is, this is a very thoughtful gift. Thank you and Merry Christmas, my true love.
2 Turtle Doves: Oh, two turtle doves. A symbol of our love. How adorable!
3 French Hens: Were they out of American hens? A fruitcake would have been a better gift than three hens. At least I could have regifted a fruitcake.
4 Colly Birds: Do you know that Amazon allows people to keep lists of stuff they want so people can buy them gifts they will actually like? It's a new concept that caught on five years ago. But thanks for the birds, who never seem to shut up.
5 Gold Rings: Did you buy these rings at a pawn shop? They don't match. I feel like Mr. T with all this jewelry on. I pity the fool who buys more crappy gifts.
6 Geese a-Laying: Do these geese ever stop laying eggs? I doubt anyone is going to want to come over for a brunch with goose-egg omelets.
7 Swans a-swimming: Enough with the birds! Jeezy creezy. I could open an avian refuge with all these. You've given me 23 birds for Christmas. That is a lot of bird cages to clean, and I don't read nearly enough newspapers to line all of them. If you give me 8 more birds tomorrow, I'm going to pound your liver.
8 Maids a-Milking: Well, they aren't birds, but now I have 8 milk maids here. How am I supposed to keep them busy? Are you giving me a dairy farm tomorrow?
9 Ladies Dancing: You know that people usually just give gifts for one day at Christmas, right? This is like Super Hanukkah or something.
10 Lords a-Leaping: Lords of Leaping? Are they nobility? Part of the dance aristocracy? I tried to get them to fornicate with the Ladies Dancing just so they would stop jumping around, but they only seem to be interested in each other.
11 Pipers Piping: Nobody plays a pipe anymore. These guys are all drug users! There is enough weed, meth, and crack around here for me to start my own cartel.
12 Drummers Drumming: I now have 50 people with no marketable skills hanging around my house. I feel like I'm hiding fugitives. You could have gotten my 12 pairs of tube socks instead of drummers drumming. I hate you, my true love. You don't know it yet, but I gave you herpes for Christmas.
A Partridge in a Pear Tree: Although I don't like pears and don't know what a partridge is, this is a very thoughtful gift. Thank you and Merry Christmas, my true love.
2 Turtle Doves: Oh, two turtle doves. A symbol of our love. How adorable!
3 French Hens: Were they out of American hens? A fruitcake would have been a better gift than three hens. At least I could have regifted a fruitcake.
4 Colly Birds: Do you know that Amazon allows people to keep lists of stuff they want so people can buy them gifts they will actually like? It's a new concept that caught on five years ago. But thanks for the birds, who never seem to shut up.
5 Gold Rings: Did you buy these rings at a pawn shop? They don't match. I feel like Mr. T with all this jewelry on. I pity the fool who buys more crappy gifts.
6 Geese a-Laying: Do these geese ever stop laying eggs? I doubt anyone is going to want to come over for a brunch with goose-egg omelets.
7 Swans a-swimming: Enough with the birds! Jeezy creezy. I could open an avian refuge with all these. You've given me 23 birds for Christmas. That is a lot of bird cages to clean, and I don't read nearly enough newspapers to line all of them. If you give me 8 more birds tomorrow, I'm going to pound your liver.
8 Maids a-Milking: Well, they aren't birds, but now I have 8 milk maids here. How am I supposed to keep them busy? Are you giving me a dairy farm tomorrow?
9 Ladies Dancing: You know that people usually just give gifts for one day at Christmas, right? This is like Super Hanukkah or something.
10 Lords a-Leaping: Lords of Leaping? Are they nobility? Part of the dance aristocracy? I tried to get them to fornicate with the Ladies Dancing just so they would stop jumping around, but they only seem to be interested in each other.
11 Pipers Piping: Nobody plays a pipe anymore. These guys are all drug users! There is enough weed, meth, and crack around here for me to start my own cartel.
12 Drummers Drumming: I now have 50 people with no marketable skills hanging around my house. I feel like I'm hiding fugitives. You could have gotten my 12 pairs of tube socks instead of drummers drumming. I hate you, my true love. You don't know it yet, but I gave you herpes for Christmas.
AZT
Saturday, December 05, 2009
A Cut Below the Competition
I used to watch Headline News a lot when I was in college. If I had a half hour, I could catch up on what was happening. Sure, Headline News didn't deliver in-depth analysis, but I could always get details from the newspaper or Internet later. But now Headline News is a shameful husk of what it once was. You get a full 15 seconds of headlines at the beginning of the half hour, and then it's a bunch of fluff. It's like a dumbed-down USA Today for TV.
And that isn't what bothers me so much.
Headline News now devotes evenings to showbiz news and shows about sensational news, like an endless supply of that Natalee Holloway bullcrap when she disappeared in Aruba.
And that isn't what bothers me so much either.
Take a look at Nancy Grace and Jane Velez-Mitchell.
Headline News does not have a hair stylist on staff. Someone needs to stop Ms. Grace and Ms. Velez-Mitchell from popularizing the femmullet, or le mullet. I know the news isn't about being pretty, but if you're on TV you have to at least try to look presentable. Velez-Mitchell doesn't look like she cares at all. I've seen better haircuts behind the wheel in Trans-Ams.
And that isn't what bothers me so much.
Headline News now devotes evenings to showbiz news and shows about sensational news, like an endless supply of that Natalee Holloway bullcrap when she disappeared in Aruba.
And that isn't what bothers me so much either.
Take a look at Nancy Grace and Jane Velez-Mitchell.
Headline News does not have a hair stylist on staff. Someone needs to stop Ms. Grace and Ms. Velez-Mitchell from popularizing the femmullet, or le mullet. I know the news isn't about being pretty, but if you're on TV you have to at least try to look presentable. Velez-Mitchell doesn't look like she cares at all. I've seen better haircuts behind the wheel in Trans-Ams.
AZT
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