5 Bands That Have No Business Being Played on Classic Rock Radio

When it comes to radio stations, my hometown really only had two offerings: pop, country and classic rock. With very few exceptions, I hate pop and country music, so that left me with classic rock as my only option for what to listen to on the radio. And to this day, I love Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, the Doors, and on and on. I still mainly listen to classic rock on the radio whenever I'm driving around here in DC, too.

But classic rock stations frequently play some really bullshit songs that can only marginally be called rock music. I guess radio stations have some sort of criteria for what is considered rock music: is there more than one guitarist in the band, have they ever had long hair, possibility that they have used marijuana or stronger drugs, et cetera. Although the following bands meet most of those criteria, they should be kept off classic rock radio. One, the music is just terrible. Awful. I picture them playing to state fairs with unimpressed crowds. And two, part of rock music is that it makes older generations nervous. No damn way any of these acts are currently or have ever made anyone feel uncomfortable. Let's begin.

Styx - In Greek mythology, Styx is a river in hell. The demonic aspects of the band end there, although listening to their music is hellish. You only have to look at a picture of Styx to realize that they suck. If a picture doesn't convince you of how bad they are, listen to "Come Sail Away." See if you can sit through that whole song without wanting to die a horrendous death.

Doobie Brothers - They put the word "doobie" in their name, and I guess that was enough to convince some people that they were hip. The Doobie Brothers are one of those bands with a full assload of members, and they always seem to be adding more people. It's like they finish recording an album and go, "Well, that sucked. Maybe we should add another guy?"

Steely Dan - Jesus. This group is centered around two keyboardists. Things don't get less rocking than that. Steely Dan's "Reeling in the Years" came on the radio the other week when I was running errands. My daughter threw her drink at me as soon as they got to the chorus. And consider this: both Jeff "Skunk" Baxter and Michael MacDonald left Steely Dan to join the Doobie Brothers. Both these guys thought, "Christ, being in Steely Dan sucks. Are any other bands hiring? The Doobie Brothers? Shit. I guess they just finished recording another album. Oh well. Anything's better than being in Steely Dan."

Jackson Browne - Jackson Browne makes happy, optimistic music that sounds like it's been written for motivational speeches at high school assemblies. Whenever I hear a Jackson Browne song, I think, "So this is the prick who wrote the theme songs for all the sitcoms for ABC's TGIF line-ups during the late 80s." I'm considering asking the bank for a loan so I can pay Dave Mustaine to beat Jackson Browne over the head with a guitar.

Chicago - No truly great band has ever named themselves after a place, and Chicago is no exception. Chicago is a band with a horn section. Really. An honest-to-God horn section. Is this rock music or a marching band? Chicago also had Peter Cetera as their lead singer. Peter Cetera made a song for The Karate Kid Part II, called " Glory of Love." This song was one of the shittiest songs ever written for a movie and was featured in one of the shittiest sequels to a decent movie ever.

AZT