Absolute Zero Tolerance

Why I Avoid Plays

2011-06-03T14:40:00.000-05:00

Here's why I rarely go to plays. Posters like this. I have no idea what the play "Liberty Smith" is about. But here's a guess: a devilish moppet aids the colonies during the American Revolution. Notice the playful smirk? The raised eyebrow? Oh, what mischief Liberty Smith will put the British through!

For all the ad agencies that do work for theater companies, I offer you a bit of advice. If your poster sucks, people are going to assume that the whole play sucks too. They'll stay home and rent a movie. Because you know what's great about renting a movie? You can turn it off if it totally sucks and you save at least 20 bucks by not getting tickets for a play. And you can wear sweatpants.

I can't remember ever seeing an ad for a play that made me want to go see the play. Check out this poster for "Shear Madness."

If someone got me tickets to this, I'd schedule a prostate test for the curtain time. It's a play set in a hair salon. Get it? Shear Madness. Like shear, as in scissors. Oh! They must kill themselves with that kind of wordsmithing.

AZT

Ask AZT

2011-04-28T14:21:00.002-05:00

You settled this question about Feist, so I'll ask about someone else. Is Lady Gaga hot? - Patrick Winters, San Jose, CA
No. No, man. Lord, no! Not in the least. Why would you even ask that? With Feist I clearly cited her carefree nature as making her attractive (but not hot). Gaga seems to lack endearing qualities. She puts on a contrived and possibly drug-induced act. To me, she looks like a Twisted Sister reject. I don't know. Some people may think she's hot. If Gaga is your cup of tea, good for you. But I'm a little wary of anyone who puts a diamond in her actual cup of tea.

If you could be reincarnated, what would you come back as? - Carol McCaslin, Jackson, MS
A house cat. When some people ask what kind of cat we have, I say "mean." And they say, "Well, it's a cat." No other creature gets off this easily. All house cats have a license to be an asshole. Our cat swats and claws at us if we stand to close to her, bites me if I don't feed her fast enough, and sleeps wherever she pleases. I've given up buying my wife flowers because the cat eats them when we aren't looking. The other day she was cleaning her anus. And when I say cleaning her anus, I mean that she was doing it with such glee that she was in there up to her third vertebrae. She paused the cleaning, looked at me, licked her lips, and went back to cleaning her anus. I took it as both a threat and an insult. I fully expect her to murder me in my sleep some day. And if that happens someone will say, "Well, she's a cat."

Let's say that you hadn't cancelled your run for president in 2016. Would you have been able to prove that you were born in the US? - Ray Stantelli, Trenton, NJ
I think I could prove that I was a natural US citizen. I have a birth certificate, but that may not be enough anymore. Both my parents were born in the US. A few of my grandparents were not born in the US, so I could have run into big problems there. I can't stand France, so that may help a bit. This whole "birther" movement is ridiculous. Donald Trump fronting this issue should be a clear indication of how pointless it is. Obama hasn't been a great president, but the guy has a lot on his plate. Do people really need to keep pestering him over birth certificate nonsense?

AZT

Scattered Thoughts

2011-04-22T11:15:00.000-05:00

- I'd like to thank Prince William's receding hairline for receding.
- I'm going to start a new line of environmentally friendly cleaning products and call it "Mother Nature's Virginity."
- Don't eat chard. I don't even know what it is exactly, but what a repulsive name for a food.
- When asked my age, I'm going to tell people that I'm 32 and a half.
- The next person to use the word "fantabulous" is getting a karate chop to the larynx.
- This should have been one of my New Year's resolutions: Do something "jaunty."
- Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, etc are in their 60s and still do concerts. When he's in his 60s, will Snoop Dogg still be rapping about hookers and hoes?
- Flavor Flav is going to be Donald Trump's running mate. Snicker if you want, but prove to me that it's implausible.

AZT

More Celebrity Look Alikes

2011-02-23T12:09:00.000-05:00

Moamar Gadhafi

Carlos Santana

If the Santana in this picture was aged about 10 years, could you tell a difference?

AZT

5 Bands That Have No Business Being Played on Classic Rock Radio

2011-02-03T12:26:00.000-05:00

When it comes to radio stations, my hometown really only had two offerings: pop, country and classic rock. With very few exceptions, I hate pop and country music, so that left me with classic rock as my only option for what to listen to on the radio. And to this day, I love Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, the Doors, and on and on. I still mainly listen to classic rock on the radio whenever I'm driving around here in DC, too.

But classic rock stations frequently play some really bullshit songs that can only marginally be called rock music. I guess radio stations have some sort of criteria for what is considered rock music: is there more than one guitarist in the band, have they ever had long hair, possibility that they have used marijuana or stronger drugs, et cetera. Although the following bands meet most of those criteria, they should be kept off classic rock radio. One, the music is just terrible. Awful. I picture them playing to state fairs with unimpressed crowds. And two, part of rock music is that it makes older generations nervous. No damn way any of these acts are currently or have ever made anyone feel uncomfortable. Let's begin.

Styx - In Greek mythology, Styx is a river in hell. The demonic aspects of the band end there, although listening to their music is hellish. You only have to look at a picture of Styx to realize that they suck. If a picture doesn't convince you of how bad they are, listen to "Come Sail Away." See if you can sit through that whole song without wanting to die a horrendous death.

Doobie Brothers - They put the word "doobie" in their name, and I guess that was enough to convince some people that they were hip. The Doobie Brothers are one of those bands with a full assload of members, and they always seem to be adding more people. It's like they finish recording an album and go, "Well, that sucked. Maybe we should add another guy?"

Steely Dan - Jesus. This group is centered around two keyboardists. Things don't get less rocking than that. Steely Dan's "Reeling in the Years" came on the radio the other week when I was running errands. My daughter threw her drink at me as soon as they got to the chorus. And consider this: both Jeff "Skunk" Baxter and Michael MacDonald left Steely Dan to join the Doobie Brothers. Both these guys thought, "Christ, being in Steely Dan sucks. Are any other bands hiring? The Doobie Brothers? Shit. I guess they just finished recording another album. Oh well. Anything's better than being in Steely Dan."

Jackson Browne - Jackson Browne makes happy, optimistic music that sounds like it's been written for motivational speeches at high school assemblies. Whenever I hear a Jackson Browne song, I think, "So this is the prick who wrote the theme songs for all the sitcoms for ABC's TGIF line-ups during the late 80s." I'm considering asking the bank for a loan so I can pay Dave Mustaine to beat Jackson Browne over the head with a guitar.

Chicago - No truly great band has ever named themselves after a place, and Chicago is no exception. Chicago is a band with a horn section. Really. An honest-to-God horn section. Is this rock music or a marching band? Chicago also had Peter Cetera as their lead singer. Peter Cetera made a song for The Karate Kid Part II, called " Glory of Love." This song was one of the shittiest songs ever written for a movie and was featured in one of the shittiest sequels to a decent movie ever.

AZT

Time to Go to Community College

2011-01-06T09:14:00.000-05:00

Rachel: Hey, Tanya. How’s your modeling career going?
Tanya: It’s really great, Rachel! I just finished a job!
Rachel: Really! What was the job for? Lingerie? Dresses? Haute couture?
Tanya: Not quite. I was the demo model for the SinuFlo Ready Rinse.

AZT

Catalog Muddle

2010-12-09T12:16:00.000-05:00

At our house, like most American houses, we get a lot of clothing catalogs. And we buy nearly nothing from them. But I always flip through them and then chuck them into a stack of newspaper for recycling. But I am fascinated by the people in catalogs. Who are they? How do they get the budget for all their clothes? Why are their lives so much more entertaining than mine? Here is a list of catalogs we get in the mail and my reactions to them.

Urban Outfitters
I bought a pair of sunglasses from Urban Outfitters online this summer. Now I get catalogs from them. I am clearly not in Urban Outfitters demographic, at least as far as their catalog is concerned. Every picture in their catalog could come with this caption: "Hey, I like heroine. You like heroine. Let's hang out and wear these ratty-looking clothes."

J. Crew
As far as J. Crew goes, I don't even look at the women's section because none of the models are hot. Not one. And all that the female models do are wear dresses and pose with little kids. Naturally I spend much more time looking at the men's section, which is a complete mystery. 95% of the male models have a permanent fashionable stuble. None of them know how to button the top button on their shirts, even when they are wearing ties. That's kind of the style now, so I get that. What's confusing is that they have a guy wearing an $800 suit and $400 boots hanging out behind a barn with an ax in his hands. And he's laughing. This gentleman is not going to be chopping wood. No one believes that. And no believes that's he's having a good time out there. Actually, there is a simpler way to describe the J. Crew catalog. Imagine a snapshot of Josh Lucas from every movie he's ever been in. And there's your J. Crew men's section.

Banana Republic
See J. Crew. These are basically the same clothes, worn by the same kind of people. The only thing missing are the barns and the sailboats. And they are still having a lot more fun with a lot more money than you.

Victoria's Secret
The secret is that half the catalog is actual clothing. Like shirts and pants and dresses and junk. It's all in the second half of the catalog. I don't even think my wife looks at that stuff. Guys look at the first half (i.e., lingerie) of the catalog several times until something occurs to them. Then they realize that there is a lot raunchier stuff they could be looking at on the Internet.

L.L. Bean
The only real reason to have an L.L. Bean catalog is to get yourself some slippers or a Christmas gift for your dad or grandparents. The pictures in the Bean catalog are J. Crew-esque in that they depict upper- and middle-upper-class people in outdoor situations. The difference, oddly, is that L.L. Bean models are well groomed and look like maybe, just maybe on a random Saturday, they have actually taken a hike or spent time in the outdoors.

REI
My wife and I are not adventurous types. I don't know why we get the REI catalog. We do have a kayak...that has never touched water since we got it two years ago. So I look at the REI catalog and go, "Really? People actually climb natural land formations? For fun?" REI also includes black guys in the adventure photos. I don't like to stereotype, but....

Frederic's of Hollywood
My only problem with the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog is that we don't get the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog.

AZT

I Have a Friend in Samuel Clemens

2010-12-01T13:05:00.000-05:00

Samuel Clemens's, aka Mark Twain, was birthday yesterday. He would have been 175. William Faulkner described Twain as "the father of American literature." Ernest Hemingway said, "All modern American literature comes from Huck Finn." From junior high through college, I had to read a good bit of Twain's work: The Prince and the Pauper, Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, A Connecticut Yankee in King Author's Court, etc. Although I appreciated his work, I wouldn't have said that I was a fan of Twain. Yesterday that changed. While reading a short biography that celebrated his birthday, I discovered that Twain, much like myself, reviled the work of Jane Austen. I particularly enjoyed these two quotes:

"I could read his prose on salary, but not Jane's. Jane is entirely impossible. It seems a great pity that they allowed her to die a natural death."

"Everytime I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin bone."

Since I was 20 and had just finished reading the dreck that is Pride and Prejudice, I've been looking for the right words for my utter distaste for Jane Austen. I often (as often as discussions of Austen's literate occur) deride her writing as "verbage for vaginas." But now I have better words, thanks to Twain. I too would like to exhume Austen's corpse to batter it with its own bones.

AZT

Ask AZT

2010-09-17T13:13:00.000-05:00

Did you see Glee this week? I swear that show only gets better! - Cedric Roberts, St. Johns, AZ

With apologies to Jane Lynch, I really couldn't care less about Glee. And I've tried. I've watched that show several times, thought it was smart and amusing, but I just can't get into it. Maybe I'm brain dead, but I'd much rather watch Wipeout on a Tuesday evening. After dealing with work, public transportation, and a 20-month old, there is very little I would rather watch than helpless contestants get battered on a well-padded obstacle course. Of course Wipeout lacks the humor of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (which featured correspondent Guy LeDouche and the ever-present contestant Babaganoosh), but someone getting slammed in the testes is good for a chuckle all the same.

Do you think that increased use of iTunes and MP3s will eliminate my favorite music package, artists' greatest hits collections? - Rick Lazzo, Nevada City, CA

Probably, but you shouldn't worry about this. Greatest hits albums are a bloated market anyway. Damn near every band or singer has one, although I can't imagine how most acts have enough "greatest hits" to fill a whole album. The record industry should develop some kind of criteria to prevent this. Like, if you only have a hit or two, you don't get a greatest hits. Sorry, Motels and the Human League, but you have no business putting out greatest hits packages. The best they could hope for would be to be on a "Greatest One-Hit Wonders of the Spring of 1982" collection.

If you could take another profession at this point in your life, what would it be? - Chrystal Kratal, Bend, OR

I'd like write one episode of several Nick Jr. shows to amuse parents. The more I see of these shows, the more they drive me crazy. My wife and I really try to limit our daughter's TV time, but sometimes I need her to be distracted. So I'll put on Nick Jr. to keep her in the living room while I cook or whatever. So here are a few very brief ideas on episodes I'd do. (With apologies to all non-parents, this will make absolutely no sense to you. Please go take a nap or do something with your complete non-kid freedom instead of reading this.)

Ni Hao, Kai-lan - YeYe is revealed to have informed on Kai-lan's parents, and their status as political prisoners finally explains their absense from the show. Kai-lan, Tolee, and Hoho help Rintoo learn how to keep his mouth shut.
Dora the Explorer - Dora accidentally discovers a drug cartel's jungle operation. It gets ugly from there. Boots meets an untimely fate. Benny the Bull becomes a mule for the cartel.
The Fresh Beat Band - The rest of the band weighs options on how to handle Twist's undeniable addiction to Ecstacy, which has only exacerbated his nonstop voice cracking.
The Wonder Pets - The duck and the turtle conteplate the future of the team after the guinea pig comes out as a lesbian and moves to Vancouver.
Yo, Gabba Gabba! - Plex and the gang take Muno to a doctor to see why he has those huge bumps all over his body (with cameo by Hugh Laurie).

AZT

Go Into Labor With REO Speedwagon

2010-09-03T09:33:00.000-05:00

Is there a better way to start a holiday weekend than with REO Speedwagon? Well, if there is, then I haven't heard of it. Truely awesome. I don't know what I like better in this video: the singer's "surprised look" or the drummer's outfit. It's a toss up. Enjoy your Labor Day.

AZT

I Didn't Do Anything Wrong! This Is What It's For!

2010-08-26T20:32:00.000-05:00

This post is for all the wives and girlfriends out there who have been disappointed to discover that their husbands and boyfriends look at online porn. Today, I'm going to prove to you that it isn't their fault that they look at online porn.

The fact that you ladies have to get comfortable with is that the Internet is made for porn. All Web sites, in one way or another, lead to porn sites. Don't believe me? Here's an example.

Your husband (let's call him Jim) innocently wants to check headlines, what the stock market is doing, and sports news. Jim goes to msn.com. Jim sees that miners are trapped in northern Chile, stocks are down, and that Kim Kardashian is dating another NFL player. Intrigued by who the player might be, Jim clicks on the link for this story.

Jim sees that the player is Cowboys receiver Miles Austin. He also sees another link for a gallery of Kim Kardashian photos. So Jim checks that out next.

As Jim's looking at the photos of Kim on the red carpet and in skimpy bikinis, he thinks, "This is a tease. Wait. Wasn't she in Playboy? Didn't she make a sex tape?" Jim then sees a list of links at the bottom of the page. One is for a site devoted to Kim Kardashian pictures.

The site has Kim's Playboy pics, but Jim is a little disappointed with them (any guy who has seen her pictorial will agree that it wasn't all that revealing). But at the right of the page is yet another link. This one leads to a video of Kim's sex tape. Jim thinks, "Well, I'm here," clicks the link and WHAMMO, he is on a porn site.

As you can see, Jim's Web viewing started innocently enough. Just checking to see what's going on. A mere four or five clicks later, and he's on a site that has videos that are illegal in Kentucky, Kansas, and Utah. Guys can't be blamed for this. Everyday news sites plant the seeds for porn with their little links on scandalous hot female celebrity news. We quickly go from "Katy Perry tweets about Gaga" to "Jenna Jameson gets fully corrupted." Totally not our fault. The Internet is designed this way. Damn you, Tim Berners-Lee, you dirty British bastard.

AZT

This Is What We're Dancing To

2010-08-03T09:36:00.000-05:00

My parents' generation has settled on one thing: Fleetwood Mac and the Eagles are their bands. No matter where they are and what is happening, they can enjoy a song from either of those bands. They might sing along to the chorus or dance a little.

My dad could be getting a root canal at the dentist's office, and a Fleetwood Mac song comes on the radio. He'd stop the dentist, "Hold on a minute, doc. Is that 'Second Hand News?' This is a good one!" He starts snapping his fingers to the beat, and the dentist goes back to work.

Why Fleetwood Mac and the Eagles? Despite the histories of sexual tension and drug use in those bands, their music is relatively inoffensive. I can't believe that the PMRC would ever get upset over songs like "Take It Easy" or "Rhiannon." The choruses are singable and memorable. The bands rock just hard enough not to be totally lame but not hard enough to make baby boomers want to turn the volume down. It's a subtle formula that few bands can master. I can't picture my parents singing along or tapping their feet to Led Zeppelin.

I wonder who my generation's go-to bands will be when we're middle aged. I can't think of anyone popular enough but not offensive or controversial who could fit the criteria. Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg? Pearl Jam? Although both had long careers and were very popular, they seem a little too rough for mass generational acceptance. I really can't say who our bands will be. It's probably an unconscious decision that we all make together. But if it's Smash Mouth, Nickleback, or some synthesized pop act like Britney Spears or a boy band, then I'm going to be sitting alone in a room with my Radiohead and White Stripes albums while everyone else is wearing khakis, snapping their fingers, and drinking Corona Light.

AZT

What It's Like to Go to School in North Korea

2010-07-09T09:16:00.000-05:00

This is my new favorite. Both funny and scary.

It's not as if people need doctors anyway if there is a Patriotic and Revolutionary Vagina in the country. I wonder who flees North Korea in shame in Chapter 2?

AZT

Oncologists Need to Get to Work

2010-06-17T11:45:00.000-05:00

I really hope scientists and doctors cure cancer. It's a horribly painful disease. And I'm getting really tired of avoiding everything in the modern world so I won't get cancer. Carcinogens are everywhere and are in many things humans do. Tobacco? Lung, mouth, and esophageal cancer. Sunlight? Skin cancer. Drinking? Liver, bladder, kidney, brain, and colorectal cancer. Exposure to asbestos? Mesothelioma. Working in a coal mine? Emphasema. Being a woman? Breast, cervical, and uteran cancer. Being a man? Prostate and testicular cancer. Being a child? Child leukemia. Use embalming fluid? Nasal/sinus and nasopharyngeal cancer and possibly leukemia. Exposure to radiation? Leukemia, thyroid, breast, bladder, colon, liver, lung, esophagus, ovarian, multiple myeloma, stomach prostate, nasal/sinus, pharyngeal, laryngeal, and pancreatic cancers.

Fun stuff, huh? It's as if you can't do anything without worrying if the Big Casino will be a consequence. But if a cure for cancer is found, we could pretty much do whatever we want. Sex and drugs are back on the table. It'd be okay to work in all kinds of nasty, chemically industries.

Nitwits like those cretans on Jersey Shore could do all the guilt-free tanning they want. I figure as long as they're encased in a tanning booth, they aren't out in public being idiots.

And just think of the dares you could do. You could make a bet to eat a tablespoon of asbestos and wash it down with some formaldehyde. Your wife would be like, "Don't do that! You'll get cancer." And you'll go, "Psssshhhh! It's just cancer. Get that shit cleared up by Wednesday. I'm making money here, woman."

AZT

Vote for Dale...or else

2010-05-28T07:33:00.001-05:00

That's it. Dale Peterson has convinced me. I'm becoming a Republican, moving to Alabama, buying a farm, and getting a shotgun.

AZT

Addendum to The Hippy Theory

2010-05-20T10:56:00.000-05:00

Back in March of 2007, I described the Hippy Theory, which states that magical things happen depending on the number of hippies present at a location. To summarize:

1 hippy is present: 1 hippy is present (and shampoo is not present).
2 hippies are present: a hacky sack or frisbee appears.
3 hippies are present: a friendly dog appears.

At that point in my research, my funding ran out and I ceased work until I could secure another grant. Then last weekend, I (with help from Johnny Utah) struck upon two new additions to the Hippy Theory. Here are two new points to the theory.

Whenever 4 hippies are present they, with their friendly dog and frisbee/hacky sack, will travel in a beat-to-shit van that runs on vegetable oil. Most often this van will be a Volkswagen Minibus, but this is not a certainty.

As soon as a fifth hippie enters the picture, the hippies will form a circle and do one of two things: 1) dance or 2) play drums, such as bongos or congas. This will be done most often at a summer festival or college quad. If you were to ask what song the hippies are playing in their drum circle, they will almost invariably answer with "something tribal."

AZT

ETM Stands For...

2010-05-03T12:56:00.000-05:00

I saw an ad the other day for a band called ETM. The ad didn't say what ETM meant. Here are my suggestions:

Electric Turd Monkeys
Exercise Thigh Muscles
Elaborate To Madness
Emily Totes Maya
Epsilon Tau Mu
Eskimos Tickle Me
Employees Terminate Management
Everyone Tolerates Missionary
Evan's Tame Mullet
Estruaries? Too Many.
Estonian Tit Medley

AZT

Keeping Your Mouth Shut in Customer Service

2010-04-21T07:59:00.000-05:00

I had to call Raymond James' customer service because the annual income on my account information on my IRA was wrong. They had me listed at "Over 1,000,000." (I'll pause while that sinks in.)

When I told the customer service representative what range my income was actually in, she said, "Oh my! That is quite a drop." Thank you, Raymond James' customer service. While you're at it, please critique the inadequate size of my genitalia.

AZT

Real Things That Sound Like Sex Acts but Aren't

2010-04-16T08:19:00.002-05:00

Grecian Formula
Hot Pocket
Slap Leather
Achy Breaky
Charleston Chew
Reau Chambeau
Joey Lawrence
Alberta Clipper
Backyardigans
Tennessee Pusher
The Hubble
Golden Gate
Ben's Chili Bowl
Bubble Yum
The Angry Inch
Knickerbocker
Hard Tack
Sugar Plum Pudding
Chilean Classic
Swank Resort

AZT

Say You're Sorry

2010-04-13T13:51:00.002-05:00

As a internationally renowned and married blogger with throngs of devoted female fans, I would be remiss if I didn't comment on Tiger Woods's filthy, naughty extramarital activities. With many "news" sites offering stroke-by-stroke (pun intended) coverage of Tiger's performance in Augusta last weekend, I nearly expected God to offer Tiger forgiveness for his transgressions live on national TV. But Tiger doesn't deserve forgiveness. He needs to apologize to every male professional athlete, musician, actor, traveling salesman, politician, and anyone else who has to be away from home a lot for work.

It's beyond my ken to estimate how many cellphone call log searches, email checks, dirty laundry inspections, and verbal grillings traveling husbands and boyfriends had to endure at the hands of their significant others after the news of Tiger's affairs broke:
"You just came back from a trip to the West Coast. How many porn stars did you impregnate?"
"Why were you talking to a waitress at Red Lobster?"
"I saw an incoming call that lasted 30 seconds from an unknown number. Don't give me the wrong-number crap!"

Tiger went out and nailed the countryside because he's Tiger Woods and thought that normal behavior didn't apply to him. His acts got the windows in his SUV smashed out, a few cuts on his face, his marriage in shambles, his family disgraced, his career on hold, billions of dollars in losses to companies he endorsed, and every American man in hot water any time they interact with an adult female who isn't his girlfriend or wife.

I don't fully let Tiger's wife Elin off the hook either. I assume that she does not have many responsibilities, other than making sure her children are taken care of, which is a very large responsibility, and finishing a bachelor's degree in psychology. But Tiger earned $110 million last year. Elin's pretty secure financially. Could she have done a little more to keep him happy? Perfected her meatloaf recipe? Let him watch professional bowling on TV without mentioning how stupid it is? Tickled his balls? I don't know! He obviously wasn't happy with the poon at home. Elin deserves the settlement she gets from the inevitable divorce. It may even rank her in the top 50 of global economies. But for whatever reason, he wasn't satisfied within the marriage.

Tiger Woods may never apologize to traveling husbands and boyfriends, but he owes us all some consistency. No, not consistency with his golf swing, his touch around the green, or putting from the rough. With his female conquests. Tiger's wife is a former model. He had affairs with pornstars. Few men can claim to have even met a model or porn star. But Tiger also fooled around with a waitress from a Perkins in Florida. There's a dropoff there. We know Tiger's more talented than us and has a bank account that we can only dream of. So Tiger, please aim for the best in all situations, even in your quest to attract an STD with an irreputable woman. Thanks, buddy.

And a side note to Ben Roethlisberger: when you read a statement to the press expressing your relief and regret over the closure of the recent sexual assault investigation in Georgia, you should probably clean up a little so you don't look the part of a sex offender from Law & Order: SVU.

AZT

Ask AZT

2010-03-10T14:29:00.000-05:00

My husband and I have been having an argument for the past year and are at loggerheads, so we'll ask you. Is Feist attractive? I say yes; he says no. - Shelly Keye, Santa Barbara, CA

Feist? Attractive? Hmm. There is something oddly sensual about her. Watch the "1234" video, and you'll see what I'm talking about. She's creative and carefree, and that's endearing. However, she looks like a more attractive version of Patti Smith (who looks like she used to smoke old sneakers to get high) without the pretense of trying to be a poet too.

I'll agree with you and say that Feist is attractive (properly lit photos really help her) but will throw a bone to your husband and say that she is not hot. There is a very big difference between attractive and hot. Any guy who has been set up on a blind date by a female friend with her "attractive" friend understands this.

To be completely shallow and chauvinistic, Feist could settle this argument herself by getting substantial breast implants.

How bad will Obama lose the 2012 election (assuming he will run)? - Rhonda Hobson, Lincoln, NE

Seriously? That's two years away, which is a long time in politics. With the economy slowly recovering and the United States gradually pulling out of its military commitments in Afghanistan and Iraq, I think it's very presumptuous to say that Obama will definitely lose the next presidential election. Many people feel let down by his performance thus far (including myself), but he's only a year into his term and has tackled many politically risky policies (bank bailouts, the wars, and health care come to mind) despite the damage they've done to his popularity. Building consensus and support on his policies before pursuing them is clearly a skill Obama needs to learn.

Naturally, Obama's reelection chances will be heavily affected by who the Republican nominee will be. As yet, I haven't been able to identify a Republican who could sweep American voters off their feet. And if you say Sarah Palin is that person, I will hunt you down and smack you in the teeth.

I know you don't usually answer medical questions, but I don't know where else to go with this problem. Is it normal to have an itch inside your butthole? - Dave Skurelleck, Atlanta, GA

It's not even normal to ask.

AZT

You Asked for It, Clubfoot

2010-02-05T22:33:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't heard, the DC area is presently getting pummeled by a blizzard. We're expecting to get 20+ inches. You might be happy to know that I bucked the accepted reputation of lazy federal employees by reporting to the office at 7 this morning, as usual.

This evening, I put on the news to see updates on the conditions and power outages. Of course, the studio cut to a reporter on the street. And you saw a car or two driving around and very few people walking on the sidewalk. Then a jogger came past the camera. Yes, someone was jogging in 6 inches of snow, which was continuing to fall furiously. And you know how much warmth, insolation, and water resistance you get from jogging shoes. I'm just saying that if you jog during a blizzard you deserve to lose a few frostbitten toes.

AZT

Epic Family Portraits

2010-01-28T11:26:00.000-05:00

There is so much I could say about this picture, but I can't find the words. The background, the matching outfits, the future roadie for a Quiet Riot tribute band. It's all stellar. What I want most is an updated picture and some current family information. Something like, "While the rest of us continue to tour the country as a Christian folk group/certified public accountants, Jeffrey is still working on his fashion line of knee-high boots, stone-washed jeans, leather jackets, bandanas, fingerless leather gloves, and ratty hair extensions. We remain hopeful that he will show for Thanksgiving some year."

AZT

Knock it off...David Caruso

2010-01-14T12:44:00.000-05:00

Here is something that is really starting to pinch my tits: David Caruso on CSI: Miami.

First, Caruso is a ginger, and according to the show, he is from New York. Anyone with that melanin background would have been annihilated by skin cancer after spending a week in Miami. Caruso has been on the show since 2002. I'm pretty fair skinned but not a ginger. I tried to go to Miami once and they wouldn't let me leave the airport because of my vampiric complexion. Caruso is basking down there.

Two, no one ever tells Caruso that he looks and acts like a douchebag. Wearing a suit with no tie, dark sunglasses, and poofy red hair do not make you a bad mofo. Having a gruff voice does not mean you can whoop some ass. And being a crime scene investigator does not give you permission to do searches and go after criminals. That is what cops and detectives do.

Third, his stupid lines. Holy cripes. You may as well not turn on CSI: Miami until after the first five minutes, because you already know what is going to happen. Here is the formula for Caruso's first few minutes of the show:

1. Quickly analyze crime scene.
2. Remove sunglasses from jacket pocket.
3. Say one half of douchey line.
4. Put on sunglasses.
5. Say second half of douchey line.

Here is an example. Caruso arrives at the crime scene and observes a homicide victim covered in whipped cream and chocolate sauce. After receiving a few facts from an investigator who is checking the body, Caruso stands up and pulls his sunglasses from his inside jacket pocket. As he opens the stems of the sunglasses, Caruso says, "Well, I guess he got his..." he puts on the sunglasses, "just desserts." And then the show fades into the opening credits.

You may remember a similar formula from a character and show that didn't totally suck. Each episode of Law and Order used to begin with a crime scene and a sarcastic comment from Lenny Briscoe. But Lenny Briscoe wasn't a wussy ginger guy (I'm pulling out my sunglasses right now) who was trying to be much tougher and cooler...than he actually was (Sunglasses on! Queue the Who!).

AZT

Sci-Fi Book Covers

2010-01-04T14:26:00.000-05:00

I found the following books while at my in-laws' house yesterday.

Is Sundiver going to be adapted into a David Lynch movie? If the book cover is any indication, it could be crappier than Dune. Questions abound on this cover. What is the albino alien pointing at, and why is he directing Topher Grace to look? Since when do fluorescent green donuts fly? Why does Brigitte Nielsen have a headache? And that girl in the background has an enormous set of earphones for her iPod.

Lion-man beings opt to go shirtless, but modesty reigns when it comes to anything below the belt. Logic leads me to believe that Chanur is the central figure in the foreground, but who or what is giving Chanur direction? Kind of looks like an outerspace version of the Grim Reaper. Also, something is glowing in the pink room to Chanur's left. It kind of looks like they're in a mall, so maybe it's a Victoria's Secret. I envision Alien Death saying, "Okay, Chanur. Head toward the water fountain and make a left at As Seen on TV! The Pretzel Place will be on the right, before the bathrooms."

More than anything else, I would have loved to be in the editorial meetings when these covers were chosen. "Ah, yes! Brilliant. These covers will assure that absolutely no one will buy these books, except for irony and gag gifts."

AZT

Ask AZT: He's Giving Answers for Christmas

2009-12-24T11:10:00.000-05:00

Do you have any New Year's resolutions? - Tammy Dombrowski, Buffalo, NY

I'm resolving to not have any resolutions on January 1 and to resolve all problems as I recognize them throughout the year. Like the other day. I was standing on the subway. I was tired and rested my head against the pole for a second. And my brain said, "Hey. Hey! You're getting all kinds of germs on your head right now, and your head will be all germy and gross for Christmas. Stop it." And at that moment I resolved to never rest my head on a pole in the subway ever again. Problem resolved. Why wait until January?

Over the course of a career, who has been the bigger whore: Madonna or Christina Aguilera? - Randy Wolfe, Goose Creek, SC

Shouldn't you have asked this when Aguilera was all nasty grrrl a few years back? Now she's more scrubbed and is a mom. So is Madonna. But with a kind of level playing field, I'll analyze the question. Both Madonna and Aguilera produced songs and videos with sexed-up lyrics and images, such as "Like a Virgin" and "Candyman." Both were lightening rods for talk about the sexual content in contemporary popular music.

But Madonna did all the groundwork for later acts like Janet Jackson, Britney Spears, and Aguilera, who exploited sexuality for sales. Madonna has flirted with controversy for much of her career and has had several of her videos banned for questionable content. She published the subtly titled book "Sex," which featured her conoodling with Vanilla Ice of all people.

And Madonna did the nasty with Dennis Rodman. Doing the nasty with Dennis Rodman is the ultimate tie-breaker for any discussion about who is a bigger whore.

Is there a celebrity who hasn't put out a Christmas album or holiday TV special? - Reggie Heston, Santa Fe, NM

The list of celebrities who haven't tried to cash in on Christmas must be shorter than Donald Trump's penis. Pretty much anyone who has been moderately recognized by the consuming public has done something related to Christmas.

The thing I could never understand was Barbra Streisand singing Christmas carols. You don't hear Mariah Carey singing the Dreidel Song and you sure as hell don't hear Toby Keith singing Kwanza songs. I'm all for diversity, but profitize in your own religion or demographic, Barb! For an example, listen to James Brown's, "Santa is Going Straight to the Ghetto." (You may think I'm making that up, but, sadly, I am not.) James Brown grew up during the Depression in a poor town in South Carolina. The guy knew what he was singing about.

As far as celebrities who haven't pumped out a Christmas product, the Wu-Tang Clan comes to mind, as does Danzig and most other metal bands. Cripes, this is tough. There must be a certain level of fame and success you can attain and once you go past that level, a lawyer appears. He is named the Ghost of Christmas Profitizing. He says, "Ah, you've a preset level of success with the American public. According to your contract you must now produce a Christmas product. Now go sing a few bullshit renditions of traditional carols and fun songs like 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.' Don't make me be a Scrooge and bust your balls over this."

AZT

AZT's 12 Days of Christmas

2009-12-11T10:44:00.000-05:00

Nearly everyone knows the song "The 12 Days of Christmas" where a lover buys the object of his or her affection an insane collection of gifts. PNC Bank publishes a Christmas Price Index each year that states the value of the gifts, adjusted for inflation and price fluctuations. This year's price for the 12 Days of Christmas is $21,465.56. A sizable sum, but who actually wants all this crap? Here would be my reaction to each gift on each of the 12 days of Christmas.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree: Although I don't like pears and don't know what a partridge is, this is a very thoughtful gift. Thank you and Merry Christmas, my true love.

2 Turtle Doves: Oh, two turtle doves. A symbol of our love. How adorable!

3 French Hens: Were they out of American hens? A fruitcake would have been a better gift than three hens. At least I could have regifted a fruitcake.

4 Colly Birds: Do you know that Amazon allows people to keep lists of stuff they want so people can buy them gifts they will actually like? It's a new concept that caught on five years ago. But thanks for the birds, who never seem to shut up.

5 Gold Rings: Did you buy these rings at a pawn shop? They don't match. I feel like Mr. T with all this jewelry on. I pity the fool who buys more crappy gifts.

6 Geese a-Laying: Do these geese ever stop laying eggs? I doubt anyone is going to want to come over for a brunch with goose-egg omelets.

7 Swans a-swimming: Enough with the birds! Jeezy creezy. I could open an avian refuge with all these. You've given me 23 birds for Christmas. That is a lot of bird cages to clean, and I don't read nearly enough newspapers to line all of them. If you give me 8 more birds tomorrow, I'm going to pound your liver.

8 Maids a-Milking: Well, they aren't birds, but now I have 8 milk maids here. How am I supposed to keep them busy? Are you giving me a dairy farm tomorrow?

9 Ladies Dancing: You know that people usually just give gifts for one day at Christmas, right? This is like Super Hanukkah or something.

10 Lords a-Leaping: Lords of Leaping? Are they nobility? Part of the dance aristocracy? I tried to get them to fornicate with the Ladies Dancing just so they would stop jumping around, but they only seem to be interested in each other.

11 Pipers Piping: Nobody plays a pipe anymore. These guys are all drug users! There is enough weed, meth, and crack around here for me to start my own cartel.

12 Drummers Drumming: I now have 50 people with no marketable skills hanging around my house. I feel like I'm hiding fugitives. You could have gotten my 12 pairs of tube socks instead of drummers drumming. I hate you, my true love. You don't know it yet, but I gave you herpes for Christmas.

AZT

A Cut Below the Competition

2009-12-05T13:05:00.000-05:00

I used to watch Headline News a lot when I was in college. If I had a half hour, I could catch up on what was happening. Sure, Headline News didn't deliver in-depth analysis, but I could always get details from the newspaper or Internet later. But now Headline News is a shameful husk of what it once was. You get a full 15 seconds of headlines at the beginning of the half hour, and then it's a bunch of fluff. It's like a dumbed-down USA Today for TV.

And that isn't what bothers me so much.

Headline News now devotes evenings to showbiz news and shows about sensational news, like an endless supply of that Natalee Holloway bullcrap when she disappeared in Aruba.

And that isn't what bothers me so much either.

Take a look at Nancy Grace and Jane Velez-Mitchell.

Headline News does not have a hair stylist on staff. Someone needs to stop Ms. Grace and Ms. Velez-Mitchell from popularizing the femmullet, or le mullet. I know the news isn't about being pretty, but if you're on TV you have to at least try to look presentable. Velez-Mitchell doesn't look like she cares at all. I've seen better haircuts behind the wheel in Trans-Ams.

AZT

Mega Haiku: "Croutons"

2009-11-24T10:30:00.000-05:00

I don't get croutons.
Hard cubic salad dressers;
I fork, they explode.

In my salad bowl:
Spear other ingredients,
But I scoop croutons.

You resist fork tines;
Perhaps those herbs protect you.
Smash you to bread crumbs.

AZT

Ask AZT

2009-11-06T17:38:00.000-05:00

What do you know about that hilarious lady on the Progressive Insurance commercials? - Juanita Sanchez, College Park, MD

Her name is Flo, she's played by an actress named Stephanie Courtney, and she ranks alongside John Mayer in my book of people who should not be allowed to procreate.

I find Flo extremely annoying with her omnipresent positive attitude and insatiable love for vehicle insurance. What's really frightening is that there is a Web community comprised of people who find Flo physically attractive. Are you kidding? I'd rather hump a sheet of ply wood. The pasty skin, stupid hair, blazing red lipstick, and gigantic ass...what's the appeal? Not to mention she is the most annoying TV personality since Kathy Lee Gifford. No, Richard Simmons. No, Jerry Lewis. No....

I heard you quit drinking. What the hell? - John Williams, Pierre, South Dakota

Yes, after a long and distinguished drinking career, I have quit. I'm not saying that I won't have a rare drink on special occasions, but my heavy drinking days are behind me. I got tired of not knowing how I got to bed, and hangovers are really getting to be a bitch as I get older.

It's funny. Drinking is the one vice you can give up and people don't understand. If you quit taking drugs, smoking, having promiscuous sex, cracking your knuckles, picking your scabs, scratching your butt in public, or chewing your fingernails, people will congratulate you. "Way to go, my friend! You have exorcised your demons!" But quit drinking and people act like you've just developed a problem. "You what? Why the hell would you do that? Are you dying or something?"

How's fatherhood been going? - Jill Doyle, Eureka, CA

It's going. I recently became paranoid about Li'l M getting involved with drugs when she gets older, so that's something I can worry about for the next 20 years.

Other than that, I guess we're doing fine. She's babbling a lot, learning to take steps, getting teeth. Exciting times.

Parenthood is chaos when you have an infant, and I get surprised by some of the things I say without even thinking about it. Like the other day Miss M came home from work and saw one of Li'l M's shoes on the floor. She asked where the matching shoe was. I replied, "Oh, it's upstairs in the sink because it has feces on it." Tragically, that's kind of normal now.

AZT

AZT Sells Out

2009-10-30T09:05:00.000-05:00

So you may notice a few new additions to this blog. They are called "advertisements." Why are they here now if they haven't been here since I started in 2003? I'm not even going to try to be veiled about this. I'll get some money from having ads on my blog; money that I can save and use to maybe send Little M to something other than community college. I've been doing this blog for years and to this point the main thing I've gotten from blogging is distracting me from other stuff that I don't want to do. So if I can make a few bucks, I don't think it's a major problem because there are probably less than five or six people who continue to read my bullshit.

Blogger is paying me for the ad space not matter what, but if you click on the ads I will get more money. It's probably only a pittance when it comes down to it, but I'm willing to give it a shot for a while. I signed up for Blogger to place the ads last night, and as of this morning I've made $0.00. Kicking ass.

One last thing. The ads are generated by Blogger/Google so I don't have much control over them. However, the ads will supposedly become more representative of my content as time goes on. I have no idea what kind of ads they'll be putting up, but maybe you'll see an ad for a convention for bitching about things.

To make up for allowing corporate America to have another way to brainwash you, enjoy some history and have a Happy Halloween.

Tomorrow in History!
October 31

475 – Romulus Augustulus is proclaimed Western Roman Emperor.
1876 – A monster cyclone ravages India, resulting in over 200,000 deaths.
1926 – Magician Harry Houdini dies of gangrene and peritonitis that developed after his appendix ruptured (which allegedly resulted from a sucker punch to the gut).
1940 – World War II: The Battle of Britain ends – the United Kingdom prevents a German invasion.
1941 – After 14 years of work, drilling is completed on Mount Rushmore.
1959 – Lee Harvey Oswald attempts to renounce his American citizenship at the US Embassy in Moscow, USSR.
1984 – Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi is assassinated by two Sikh security guards. Riots soon break out in New Delhi and nearly 2,000 Sikhs are killed.
1996 – Painful Urination held the first of one outdoor public concerts in Hollidaysburg, PA. A broken amplifier, bad singing, and dozens of disappointed fans later, and attendees were unsure if history had been made. Painful Urination's album Discharge was released a week later and received mixed reviews.

AZT

Pi for Lunch

2009-10-28T11:02:00.002-05:00

AZT

John Mayer, Stop It. Just Stop It.

2009-10-23T11:47:00.000-05:00

It's time I say something because this guy just won't go away. America, we need to stop John Mayer.

His music sucks. It really does. Listen to it closely once or twice. I heard that song "Daughters" in the grocery store the other day (When does good music ever get played in a grocery store?), and it got stuck in my head for the next day and a half. And I wanted to rip out John Mayer's gall bladder because that song is terrible. Mayer's overrated as a guitarist and can't sing worth a thimble full of goat spit. He's actually been compared to Eric Clapton. That alone makes me mad enough to shit in a bag and punch it.

And why does Mayer always look bored? Is he hooked on goofballs or something? You're rich and you're dating starlets, John. Smile once, you frickin' prick.

But what I really want to know about John Mayer is who he has blackmail material on. It's somebody pretty powerful, because every hot female actress or musician dates Mayer when she's on the rebound from another relationship. The list is impressive: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson. (Hmm. Maybe he only dates celebrities whose first name starts with J.)

But I can only imagine the phone call these female celebrities get from some music or movie executive to start their sojourn in Mayerville. "Hi, Unnamed Starlet. I know you're going through a hard time after your breakup. Have you thought about John Mayer? I know. I know. He's repulsive, but hear me out. It'll get you some media coverage. You can join the 'I Dated John Mayer' club. And it'll help me out of a jam. Let's just say that his manager has some photographic material about me that I'd rather not have hit the tabloids. Now you may have to attend a few of Mayer's concerts, but I have a cure for that. I have an iPod full of 10,000 listenable songs for you to play after the concert and I'll book a week for you at a Caribbean spa to get de-Mayerized. Please. I'm pleading here."

Please help me to stop John Mayer. If you need any more convincing evidence that we must be rid of him, I implore (and caution) you to listen to "Your Body is a Wonderland."

AZT

Who Will Survive? Golden Girls v. Beatles

2009-10-13T12:06:00.000-05:00

First was John Lennon. Then George Harrison. Next was Estelle Getty. Most recently, Bea Arthur. Members of two cherished groups have been slowly dying off over the past several decades. As they age, we can only assume that they will depart the Earth in quicker succession. These two groups are, of course, the Beatles and the Golden Girls. Eventually, they'll all be gone (unless Paul McCartney plunks down enough money to freeze himself). But who will be finished first?

This may seem lopsided, seeing as the remaining Beatles are at least 8 years younger than either Golden Girl. But women tend to live longer than men, and I'm willing to bet that Betty White and Rue McClanahan had a lot less drug use and risky sex with groupies than Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney. Some background information:

The Remaining Golden Girls

Betty White is 87 years old and is reportedly in good health. Rue McClanahan is 75 years old and survived breast cancer, which she was diagnosed with in 1997. Both White and McClanahan continue to act professionally.

The Remaining Beatles

Ringo Starr is 69 years old and has had stomach problems in the past, although he controls this with a vegetarian diet. Paul McCartney is 67 years old and is in good health, although he did marry and divorce a total bitch earlier this decade. Both former Beatles continue to be active producing and performing music.

Please your guesses via comment or email. Updates will be forthcoming as people croak or develop life-threatening conditions.

AZT

There Once Was a Hopeful President

2009-10-02T14:16:00.000-05:00

A President of the United States had recently won an election and believed that he could undertake drastically changing a vital domestic policy that the American public claimed to be in need of change. The president thought he had a right to do this because he had earned the trust of the American people. He chose to change an entrenched entitlement program that was in danger of bankrupting the government. His party was the same party in the majority in both houses of Congress. The American people professed to want change. Congress could be expected to back him.

But the ambitious president failed. The American public had said for years that this problem needed to be addressed, but now that the president had begun to work on it, the public abandoned him. Members of Congress, many from his own party, refused to support his solutions. The opposition party undermined the president at every turn.

That president was George W. Bush, and the program he attempted to revise was Social Security. Considering President Bush's foibles with Social Security, you'd think President Obama would have learned a few lessons:

1. Don't mess with things Americans believe they are entitled to have. Consider what will happen when Subway stops the $5 Footlong campaign or what did happen when Coke switched formulas.

2. Although they complain about possibly bankrupting the country, the American people would rather not have the current problem-filled system screwed with. We'd prefer to ruin the financial stability of the government rather than sacrifice any benefits or tax money, thank you very much.

3. Americans are ape-shit crazy. People blamed Bush of trying to give an extra boost to Wall Street with Social Security reform. People are now comparing Obama to Hitler of all people.

Of course, Social Security would be a disaster if it had invested its funds in the stock market. But it's frickin' easy to save Socail Security. I did it at http://www.actuary.org/socialsecurity/game.html by increasing the retirement age to 67, cutting Cost of Living Adjustments for Social Security by a half percent, and raising payroll taxes.

Some thing needs to be done about health care. Our national spending on health care now stands at 17 percent of GDP and is forecasted to increase. Yet Americans are not getting any healthier. Sooner or later, we're going to have to let the government do something to fix it.

AZT

Jumping Friend Levels

2009-09-17T11:00:00.000-05:00

I've made a few friends at my new job. No one I'd invite over to watch football and drink beer yet, but I work with some decent people. So I felt a little violated last week when a work buddy did what I considered to be a big faux pas.

The situation was that I had just finished a tinkle and was washing my hands at the sink. My friend walked in. I acknowledged him with a "Hey," and continued washing.

Let me step aside for a moment. I have a rule for men's room discussions. If I am on the same level as someone, like we're both at the urinal or washing our hands, then I'm open to conversation. If I am not on the same level as someone else, I don't converse. And I function under the assumption that stalls are soundproof booths in which sound neither enters or escapes. If you have an upset stomach and wet farts are slapping out of your ass, I hear nothing.

Back to the story. After acknowledging my friend, he returned a greeting, made a comment on a recent meeting, entered a stall. . . and continued to talk. Asking me questions and what not. I didn't know what to do, so i panicked, muttered a few answers to his queries and got the hell out of there as fast as possible.

Am I wrong to assume that he jumped friend levels there? I wouldn't talk to a friend I've know for 15 years if he was taking a smash. Stall business is personal on many levels. I don't need to be included in any way. If you have a thought that you must relate from a bathroom stall, it better be pretty damn prophetic. Something like, "Here's news. All spring break activities happening in the United States this year are being relocated to an area within a 5-mile radius of your home. Beer, titties, and herpes will be raining from the sky in your zip code." That's information I can use. Now I know to stock up on plastic ponchos, rubber boots, antibacterial products, and douchebag repellant. You can shout stuff like that from the toilet seat if you want.

AZT

Golden Showers and Opportunities

2009-09-13T10:03:00.000-05:00

DogZT has laid claim to just about everything in our neighborhood. Fire hydrants. Trees. Street lights. Piles of dog crap. You name it, he's tagged it.

I take pretty good care of the little prick. I feed him. Take him on walks. Clean up his dook. Rub his belly. Give him bacon every now and then. I think it's about time he started doing me some favors.

Like tagging some useful stuff. Like a BMW. A four-bed, three-bath house. A nanny. A pack of ninjas who are sworn to do my bidding. I'm not asking for much here. Just piss on something I can actually use. Who the hell wants a fire hydrant anyway?

AZT

Next Time Wear Shoes with Laces

2009-09-04T12:46:00.000-05:00

In lieu of my usual cogent analysis of current social, cultural, and political happenings, here is a jackass with a treadmill.

Happy Labor Day.

AZT

More Dick Than I Can Handle

2009-08-26T15:26:00.003-05:00

So Dick Cheney has chosen to enter the spotlight again and comment on why it's so bad to not allow CIA interogators to torture detainees. Cheney's basic argument is that torture is the only way that we can get the information that will keep us safe. No matter that many CIA and military personnel have argued that detainees will say anything, even admitting to crimes they haven't committed, to make torture stop. People will admit to having Hello Kitty bed sheets just so they can get some sleep after being forced to stay awake for 180 hours.

Cheney ignores the basic premise of American legal thinking that suspects are innocent until proven guilty. He disregards human decency, including allowing people to use the bathroom. He choses not to focus on reforming the CIA so that intelligence is gathered from using spy techniques rather than having to strip people naked and slap the shit out of them to get information. And ol' Dick doesn't even acknowledge the detriment torture has been on the United States' image. It's pretty sad when China and Iran can question us about human rights.

If Cheney doesn't mind torture so much, he should have to endure a little himself. After all, there are plenty of questions Cheney has never answered. Who was on the Energy Task Force he headed during Bush's first term? How did he manage to shoot a friend in the face while hunting? Why is he still so cranky? How is he still alive after having a dozen heart attacks?

AZT

Ask AZT

2009-08-19T09:21:00.003-05:00

In between smoking Marlboro Reds and fraying our camouflage shorts, a friend and me have been having an argument: what are the top 10 heavy metal albums of all time? Not that I expect you to have much input, panty waste. - Don "Waster" Williams, Wheeling, WV

As a matter of fact, Waster, I do have input. Despite my mostly nerdy characteristics, I bought Metallica's ...And Justice for All when I was in the fourth grade. And my wife just gave me crap the other day for listening to Sepultura while I was watching our 7-month old. I tried to argue that they were a Brazilian band and that this was a culturally expansive experience, but Miss M wasn't buying it.

So here's my top 10. They might not be considered the all-time best (or even the best album from some of these bands) but they're my favorites. So, in no particular order:

Black Sabbath - Paranoid
Metallica - Master of Puppets
Pantera - Vulgar Display of Power
Sepultura - Chaos A.D.
Megadeth - Peace Sells, But Who's Buying?
Anthrax - Among the Living
Slayer - Seasons in the Abyss
White Zombie - La Sexorcisto: Devil Music, Vol. 1
Ozzy Osbourne - Blizzard of Oz
Slipknot - Iowa

Your posts have been periodic at best. Please explain, again, just what the hell you've been up to. - Clarissa Bronson, El Paso, TX

In addition to a lot of post-grad school TV and planning my Fantasy Football team, I'm currently being molded. I started a new government job recently and apparently they have me on the fasttrack for success. I had leadership and management training last week and received four books to read. They are:

The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change
High Five! The Magic of Working Together
Self Leadership and the One Minute Manager: Increasing Effectiveness Through Situational Self Leadership
Optimizing the Power of Action Learning

I double checked to make sure that this wasn't reading doctors used to induce people into a coma. What I've learned from the material so far is that as a new employee I'm a D1 learner, highly committed but low on competence. Pretty soon, my confidence will lag as I realize that there are challenges to my job that I had not anticipated. I don't know what comes next in my development (I'm still a learner) but I see my options as screaming at senators during town hall meetings, quitting and auditioning for "So You Think You Can Dance," or just do what I would usually do, which is whine about it to friends and use your tax dollars to pay my salary and provide bennies.

But I do pledge to post more often. Hopefully once a week.

Vampires? Again? Really? - Ron McWinters, Santa Barbara, CA

I know. When I was a kid it was Count Chocula. A few years after that the TV show Dark Shadows came out. Interview with the Vampire, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Underworld, and now Twilight and True Blood.

I don't see the appeal. All vampire movies/TV shows are essentially the same. "I think I love this vampire, but do I want to become undead? No. Please don't. Wait. Okay. Go ahead."

And speaking of the undead, Brett Favre is back to add more detriments to his storied football career. I'm offering a cold case of any beer or performance-enhancing drug to any defensive player who can finally knock Favre out of the league.

AZT

A Day in the Unemployed Dad Life

2009-06-23T12:15:00.001-05:00

Most of you know that my job was cut in late March and I've been seeking employment since (and just found some!). And you probably also know that I have the cutest little daughter (Little M) who I take care of most days now that Miss M has started her own business and is a busy busy bee. I've also been trying to finish grad school and should wrap that up in five weeks.

So I've been really busy, but it's not an excuse for not blogging. To make up for my absence, here is some things I've learned during my three months as a stay-at-home dad.

"You can't scare me, I have children": I never really understood this bumpersticker until I had a kid. I used to think it meant that children were horrible monsters who terrorize their parents. But I've realized that as a parent, especially a first-time parent of an infant, you worry about and prepare yourself for every bad scenario imaginable. Will she breathe through the night? Is that a rash? Is she eating enough? Will that toy choke her? Why does the dog have to lick her hands? Will CatZT's stinky litterbox poison her? Although my skin is flaking off, am I washing and Purelling enough?

Last week, I was changing Little M's diaper. As I was wiping her tiny bum, she unleashed some more dook. Which I caught with a wet wipe. I think I'm ready for anything now.

Soap Operas: With a baby napping on your shoulder or lap, you'll watching anything on TV to keep you occupied. Luckily, I haven't succumbed to watching The Bold and the Beautiful yet, but I watch a male soap opera everyday. The Sopranos on A&E. I know I just said that Miss M and I worry about everything Little M is subjected to, but if I don't introduce her to violence, bad language, and sex on TV, then who will?

Sleep: Totally overrated. I can now function properly and take care of an infant all day on 3 to 4 hours of sleep. And it's not like I get a solid few hours. Little M still wakes up a lot during the night, and because Miss M brings home the bacon, I let her sleep and take care of the baby. But I just found out that I start work again in July, so hopefully she'll start sleeping through the night by then.

Baby Stuff: Most baby products are not meant for the baby. They are meant for the parents. For example, Little M got me Lullaby Radiohead for Father's Day. It's a CD of Radiohead tunes redone without lyrics and in kiddie music. I was kind of shocked that a band as depressing as Radiohead would have a CD of baby songs. But then I saw a list of the other bands that have had this done to their music. Metallica, Tool, Nine Inch Nails. Imagine the baby listening to Nine Inch Nails lullabies. Wearing fishnets over her diaper and baby combat boots.

No matter what: Even if you have a baby who looks like Mr. Peanut, you still think your kid is the most adorable thing on the planet. No matter what is going on with Little M, I am completely smitten with her. She could have boogers in her nose, dried formula on her face, messy hair, and pooh in her vagina, and I'd still think our Little M is the most precious thing ever. Now if she would just take a long nap.

AZT

Who Asked for Dick?

2009-06-16T15:53:00.000-05:00

I don't think anyone else got the memo from Hollywood. I know I didn't get it. We really should have been warned about this. You know what I'm talking about. Dick in movies.

In the past month I've seen penises in two movies, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Walk Hard: The Dewy Cox Story, although I guess I should have seen it coming in a movie about a guy named Cox. But I'm sitting there watching the movie and WHAM! Like I'm getting an unexpected Roman Helmet or something.

Maybe I shouldn't complain because guys have been able to see T&A during movies for years without any fear of seeing some wang too. But really, we should've been told.

And speaking of Dicks that I don't want to see, could former Vice President Cheney please go back to Wyoming and leave us alone? Dick, there were reasons that you had an abysmal approval rating while you were vice president: you're a creepy old crank and no one trusts you. You've been blowing the We'll-get-attacked-if-you-don't-do-what-I-say-no-matter-how-nasty-it-is horn for eight years now. It's more than a bit stale, and people are tired of it. Fear mongering does not make people feel safer. Allowing people to elect officials of their choosing and then to trust those officials to do the right things to protect them makes people feel safer.

And one last thing. While Cheney was vice president no one ever knew where he was. Now he's everywhere. So, vice president: scared of assassination. Not vice president: not scared of assassination. What does it say about our government's security detail when one of the most reviled men in the country can walk about without fear after he's left office?

AZT

80s Videos: Total Eclipse of the Heart

2009-03-04T10:53:00.002-05:00

A big hit for Bonnie Tyler in 1983, this song enjoyed a bit of a revival when the Dan Band appeared in Old School adding numerous F bombs to this otherwise unoffensive love song. Bonnie Tyler never had another hit in America as big as "Total Eclipse of the Heart," and that may be because the video is weird to the point that it gives me night terrors. If I had to guess, I would say that the video was codirected by David Lynch, Meatloaf, and Ru-Paul. Just what the hell is going on in this video? Let's investigate.

0:10 - We see early on that this video is set in the draftiest house ever. You'll see what I mean as we go on.
0:17 - With the appearance of the dove, I begin to wonder if this is an elaborate set for a David Copperfield magic trick.
0:23 - Nice balls.
0:29 - A partial eclipse of the moon.
0:44 - Although I can't figure out anything in this video, I'm most puzzled as to why this guy's eyes glow.
1:07 - Sadly, we didn't see this kid in a video again until REM's "Losing My Religion" in 1991. It took him a while to get off PCP.
1:12 - By now, you're probably wondering about the teenage boys in the video. And why are they getting water thrown on them? You've seen nothing yet.
1:17 - That's right. Dancing ninjas.
1:26 - Let's make a toast to utterly incomprehensible videos. Cheers!
1:45 - Are we fencing? Are we grappling? Are we doing backflips? Or are you just going to sing, Bonnie? Someone make a decision.
1:56 - I really don't want to fall back on jokes about the overt homoerotic aspects of the video, but they make it impossible right here. Leather jackets never go together with men dancing in the heterosexual community. Yes, I'm stereotyping, but I defy you to prove me wrong on this point.
2:16 - Nothing breaks up a game of shirtless indoor football like Bonnie Tyler tiptoeing around in her gown.
2:55 - This was actually the last thing filmed for the video. The director got a shot of Bonnie Tyler running away from the set as soon as she realized how shitty the video would be.
3:00 - Are these outtakes from the Opening Games of the last Olympics?
3:06 - If there is one thing this video lacks (other than a discernible plot), it's subtlety.
3:16 - Apparently there was a special on flowy red fabric when the set designer went shopping for this video.
3:22 - Why is Pepsi pouring from this guy's fencing mask?
3:29 - Oh no.
3:35 - Why not? Let's have a choirboy fly. It makes as much sense as the dancing ninjas.
3:53 - Savages that hang around old mansions are trained in ballet. It's a proven fact.
4:32 - And the Angelic Savage and his Noble Mullet came to save us from the sheer crapiness of this video.
4:41 - We have made it through the horrors of nighttime in Shirtless-Teenage-Boy-Sports-and-Dancing Haunted Mansion.
4:50 - Bonnie Tyler crossdresses. If she appeared in this scene dressed as Ronald McDonald, I wouldn't have thought it was strange.
5:10 - Holy crap! Jailbait with the glowing eyes! How will Bonnie Tyler resist this temptation? I sense a Mary Kay Letourneau-type scandal brewing.
5:18 - His eyes stop glowing when he hits the high notes.
5:23 - I know, Bonnie. I'm stunned too.

AZT

Universal Truths

2009-02-20T08:59:00.004-05:00

- Somewhere there is an episode of Law & Order on TV. That episode is probably part of a Law & Order marathon.

- The story that pregnant women can get toxoplasmosis from cleaning a cat's litterbox is a myth. So says a poll of all males aged 18-34 who live in my condo.

- Space aliens are naked. They can develop all manner of advanced technologies but cannot muster the know-how to make a pair of pants.

- Life is the most boring board game of all time. Has anyone ever finished playing a whole game of Life? I never made it more than halfway and always ended up with 19 kids and five cars to carry them all.

- Some words are fun to say. Like "rhombus." Rhombus rhombus rhombus.

- NBC should have titled Heroes what it really is: X-Men for TV.

- 75% of Earth's surface is covered by water. The rest is covered by Troy Polamalu.

- Billy Mays and his beard really want to sell you something.

- The major networks don't make many made-for-TV movies anymore. Meredith Baxter-Birney must be bored.

- It is totally ridiculous that I spend Wednesday nights in class rather than at home watching Tyler Perry's House of Payne.

AZT

Marion Barry is a Sack of Crap

2009-02-13T11:51:00.001-05:00

Nearly any resident of the DC area outside Ward 8 wishes that would be a real newspaper headline. Despite controversies, unpaid taxes, and drug charges, Marion Barry is still an elected member of the DC government. No shit-blistering act of irresponsibility seems to be able to keep this guy from office. Let's take a look at the list of things Barry has done that should normally be enough to keep anyone out of office.

- Barry's infamy began in 1990 as he became a national sensation when the FBI and DC police conducted a sting on a hotel room in which Barry was smoking crack with a female acquaintance who was not his wife. Sadly, "The bitch set me up!" becomes part of our national parlance.

- In 2002, Park Police cited him for having traces of marijuana and cocaine in his car, which was parked near the Lincoln Memorial.

- During a 2005 hearing for missing tax payments, Councilman Barry tested positive for cocaine and marijuana.

- This month, prosecutors alleged that Barry has not filed federal income taxes for 8 of the past 9 years. Barry declined to comment on the case for days until a federal judge threatened to revoke his probation, which would have sent Barry to jail. At that point Barry suddenly claimed that he was distracted from paying his taxes because he has needed kidney dialysis and a kidney transplant. Apparently, one kidney has been found for him. There has been no word yet on if his medical problems have lasted from the first year he didn't pay taxes.

If Barry runs for City Council again in 2012, he'll win. He could give a campaign speech with a crack pipe in his mouth, a hooker on each arm, and a million in unmarked hundred-dollar bills stuffed into his pants and shoes, and he'd still win. He's pulled off similar victories before.

After Barry was released from a six-month prison term and some time in the private sector, he ran for mayor again in 1994...and won. He has subsequently been elected as the Ward 8 representative for City Council in 2004 and 2008. If there is ever a nuclear holocaust in the DC region, two things will remain: cockroaches and Marion Barry.

Marion Barry continues to run for office in the District for the same reason a cat gives itself a rimjob and Ashton Kutcher remains famous: because he can. As long as Ward 8 residents are content to have a lying tax-cheat drug addict representing them on the City Council, Marion Barry will still be making headlines for all the wrong reasons. Who knows? Maybe he'll develop a crystal meth addiction, embezzle city funds, and get elected as the DC Delegate to Congress.

AZT

A Tribute to the Commercials for House and The Closer

2009-02-10T08:55:00.001-05:00

This week on AZT...

The most intense episode of Absolute Zero Tolerance yet. You won't believe your eyes when you see what happens next. The most intense television experience of all time. How close to the edge can they go? Will they tumble down the steep cliff with every rock jagging them with their jags? You've never seen anything like this. Put your children down so you don't drop them. You might go blind. You will lose control of your bowels.

Don't miss this episode of Absolute Zero Tolerance. Only a French-Canadian would miss this. You don't want to be French-Canadian, do you?

[A week passes.]

This week's Absolute Zero Tolerance makes last week's look like an episode of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. A pulse-pounding event like you've never seen before. When you see what happens in this episode, you better have a cardiologist on speed dial. You won't believe how far they go. The intensity will give you cancer. Nothing like this has ever been seen before.

No commercial has ever hyped a show this much. We asked Robbie Knievel to do the voiceover for this, but that sissy couldn't take the intensity. If you miss this week's Absolute Zero Tolerance, your testicles will pack up and leave.

AZT

Thanks for Nothing, IFC

2009-01-30T14:19:00.000-05:00

I watched a foreign film the other day. It doesn't matter what the title of this film was. It followed the basic plot of any foreign film, which goes like this:

Scene I: A heterosexual couple is in an apartment somewhere in Europe. They are sad.

Scene II: The couple goes to a cafe. They are still sad. They talk about being sad.

Scene III: The couple walks along a river bank. They are sad. They acknowledge how sad it is to be sad.

Scene IV: Despite the bond of their mutual sadness, the couple parts ways. This makes each of them even more sad.

Scene V: The man has a brief tryst with another woman. This makes him sad. The woman has not turned her affections to another person. Her loneliness makes her sad.

Scene VI: The man goes back to the woman. He confesses about his tryst and says that it made him sad. The woman becomes slightly less sad.

Scene VII: I am sad that I just wasted two hours.

AZT

Iraq Scales Mt. Democracy

2009-01-23T09:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, while relaxing at his ranch in Crawford before moving to Dallas, George W. Bush must have been smiling. I finally conceded that democracy had become entrenched in Iraq. Provincial elections would be happening soon. Candidates were campaigning. Posters were posted. Debaters were debating. And the public was sick of it.

A 25-year-old resident of Fallujah said he wasn't going to vote in the upcoming elections. "I will not participate. When they put up posters, they each make themselves out to look like the best. When they're in office, they do nothing."

A man who was a political prisoner during the reign of Saddam Hussein, and would presumably be happy with a more open society, is fed up, too. "I will not vote for anyone," he said. "I don't trust any of them. They're all thieves."

Welcome to the club, Iraq. Cynicism and contempt for elected officials are must-haves for a healthy democracy. It took less than five years, and you're fully democratic with a small d.

AZT

Father-To-Be Madlibs!

2009-01-07T12:47:00.000-05:00

The next time I say, "Boy, I am really __adjective__," and someone replies, "You think you're __same adjective__ now, wait until the baby comes!" that person is getting dropkicked right in the spleen. Even if the Pope said it, that sonuvagun would be going down.

AZT

How to Make a Water on the Rocks

2008-12-30T09:52:00.002-05:00

I don't buy products that have commercials that piss me off. I haven't eaten Skittles in ten years because I hated those commercials where Skittles rained from the sky and some little kid whispered, "Skittles. Taste the rainbow." What's the secret, kid? Skittles are raining from the sky! That's one of the signs of the apocolypse they don't mention in Revelations.

The latest target of my consumerist ire is Disaronno amaretto. Their commercials have been irritating me for years. They used to have one where a rail-thin woman was drinking Disaronno on the rocks. A bartender reached for her glass to give her another drink, but she grabs his arm and motions, "Oh no no no, Mr. Bartender. I'm not finished." Then she slowly slips an ice cube that had been floating in Disaronno into her mouth.

If you've never seen this commercial, which has the sexual subtlety of an M-80, the basic premise is that Disaronno tastes good enough to make a toothpick of a woman fellate an ice cube.

Disaronno's two newest commercials have a bartender giving viewers instructions on how to make complex drinks with Disaronno amaretto. Drinks such as Disaronno with milk. According to the bartender, you put ice in a glass, a shot of Disaronno, and then add milk. Thank you, Professor of Mixology. I couldn't have figured that out by the GODDAMN NAME OF THE DRINK.

The other commercial instructs you how to make a Disaronno with a lemon. Try to figure this one out on your own. I couldn't. I thought, "Should be a couple ounces of Diaronno with a slice of lemon, right?" Wrong. I forgot to add the ice. This is probably why I could never get a job as a bartender in college.

AZT

Ask AZT

2008-12-23T10:25:00.003-05:00

Why don't you see barefoot kickers in the NFL anymore? - Josh Miller, Queens, NY

I did a little research, and there is nothing in the NFL rulebook that states that kickers may not kick barefooted. The rules do state that all players must wear socks, but barefooted kickers got around this by wearing a sock with the foot cut off.

Maybe barefoot kicking was just a fad that died. My guess is that kickers realized that kicking a football in freezing weather without a shoe was an incredibly stupid thing to do. If anyone had tried to kick a field goal barefooted at Green Bay during December, his foot would have certainly shattered into thousands of little footy pieces.

Why do people wear tiny eyeglasses and gigantic sunglasses? Why not just stick to one size for both? - Janice Hoogenbottom, Wescott, NE

Irony, I guess. Maybe people are trying to shield their cheekbones from harmful UV rays when they are outside and pull off the nerdy chic look whenever they are inside. Whatever the reason for this current trend, I will better dollars and doughnut holes that bigger eyeglasses, or something similar to what Kim Jong Il sports, will eventually come back in style.

People started to move away from smaller sunglasses after they saw any of The Matrix movies. Other fads that died out after that movie franchise ended were flowing black preacher coats, horrible acting, bald Laurence Fishburnes, and completely inane dialog.

Now that he is nearly finished fouling up the country and the planet, what is George W. Bush going to do? - Kenneth Noisewater, La Jolla, CA

It's really difficult for me to type while I laugh convulsively, but Bush will probably spend a lot of his time on his presidential library. Yes, I used Bush and library in the same sentence.

The library will be located on the campus of Southern Methodist University near Dallas, where Bush will live after he mercifully leaves the White House. As to what the library will hold, I have no idea. The Bush/Cheney administration has been so tight-fisted with internal documents and emails that the total collection might consist of a placemat from Denny's upon which Bush successfully connected the dots to form a Grandslam Breakfast and Cheney wrote, "Lick my ass, general population."

I would like to clarify that I don't think Bush's 8 years in the White House were a total waste. He greatly increased the United States' monetary contribution to combatting AIDS in Africa, created the world's largest marine reserve, bailed out GM and Chrysler, attempted to fix Social Security (while receiving no support from Congress), decided to reform child education in the United States, and knocked the Taliban out of power in Afganistan. But all that is not enough to save him when you consider all the other bullshit he has done throughout the past 8 years.

AZT

In Case of a Dust-Up, These Guys Have My Back

2008-12-21T17:26:00.000-05:00

Some guys will name their fists something tough. Like Lightning and Thunder. Or Hammer and Anvil. Although I'm not one to resort to fisticuffs, I too have named my dukes. Let me introduce Martin Chezzlewit and Daniel "Dangling" Participle.

AZT

TOR Update

2008-12-09T11:49:00.002-05:00

Months ago, I posted about the office retard (TOR), a completely hopeless coworker who works at each job I have (see Friday, September 26, 2008). The reigning TOR at my current place of employment has established quite a lengthy and impressive list of ineptitude, lack of rationality, and bizarre behavior. Here is the latest.

When TOR appeared for her first day of work at a new department, she had to establish a new password for her email account. She entered her user ID, her old password, typed in what she wanted her new password to be, and left the field for confirming the new password blank. The rest of the day passed, and she did nothing. Many hours of the next day passed, and still TOR did nothing, although she was given assignments to work on. Finally, a supervisor asked TOR why she wasn't doing anything. TOR replied, "I can't do anything yet. I'm waiting for the computer to confirm my password."

AZT

A Quarter Not Well Spent

2008-11-24T10:38:00.001-05:00

I just ate a Slim Jim. After biting into the Slim Jim, I wondered why the Slim Jim was so hard to bite into and if I would see my next birthday. In a haze induced by spicy, nasty meat, I wrote this haiku.

Snap into Slim Jim
What is this Slim Jim made of
I want a refund

AZT

The First 33 Weeks of Pregnancy: Highlights

2008-11-20T11:05:00.000-05:00

- DadZT's reaction to the news that his newly engaged son was going to be a father for the first time: "[10 seconds of silence.] Oh boy."

- MomZT's explanation of why Catholic families used to be so big: "They didn't have birth control back then and you know what happened. Well, the husband comes home from working all day, and he's horny. You know what he wants. Sex!"

- Almost everyone in my cohort is horny as shit (just like Catholic couples in the 50s and 60s). Miss M and I know 9 or 10 couples that just had or are expecting a baby.

- Hearing the heartbeat for the first time. And finding out we were having a girl. And seeing her with hiccups in the womb. And feeling her kick. And seeing her suck her thumb. And watching her lungs working. It's something new and amazing every week.

- Miss M has been on bed rest for over two months, and bless her, her mind has begun to rot. Really. She can tolerate hours of that show "Clean House." Have you seen this? It's a show where the cast goes into insanely messy and cluttered homes, gets people to give up their ridiculous and unnecessary possessions, sells them, and uses that money to remodel the house. So everyday when I come home, Miss M has a question like, "Do you really need your CDs? They take up two shelves that we could use for something else." Hey, I just listened to Wreckx-N-Effect CD last week. Go to hell, Niecy Nash.

- jb112's reaction to the news that we were expecting was to drop the sandwich that she was eating. Picture Edvard Munch's "The Scream" but with a mouthful of roast beef sub.

- Before we got pregnant, Miss M deplored Coke. Thought it tasted terrible and completely unhealthy. In fact, she even sent me an email with some tripe that Coke can dissolve a steak and human teeth and can safely consume spent uranium. But since she's been pregnant she loves Coke (her doctor gave her the thumbs-up for a little caffeine each day). Coke Slushies from 7-11 are like drugs to her. Although she usually drinks half of whatever I have, at least I don't have to hear about how Coke is destroying me from the inside.

- I painted the nursery...twice.

- The lobby at the fetal-maternal specialist's building smells like fart, and Miss M tucks her nose into her shirt like a 4th grader to get to the office without wretching.

- They're wonderful people, but my in-laws give credence to some medical methods that I find a little suspect. So Mother M and Father M have come to believe that they can talk me into anything as long as it is related to Pennsylvania, being Polish, Penn State football, or the Steelers. Example: "We found a Wiccan midwife that operates a birthing center near a geological hot point for zen energy. And she's Polish. Grew up near Pittsburgh, I believe. Wears a Hines Ward jersey whenever she delivers a baby."

- SisterZT, who has a three-week old, told me the other day that babies don't pooh solids until they start eating solid food. I was utterly appalled that I would be cleaning mudbutt for the next six months.

AZT

Phantom BO

2008-10-30T13:55:00.002-05:00

It happened at a meeting yesterday. I smelled BO. The next 30 minutes were spent in desperate fear as I attempted to determine if the BO was mine.

Did I put on deodorant?

Had I showered since Columbus Day?

Can anyone else pick up on it?

I don't know why, but I always assume the BO is mine. Riding the bus and subway with countless strangers and walking past numerous homeless people on my way to work, my assumption is never that someone else wreaks, but that somehow I have a nasty, pungent odor. I also change brands of deodorant frequently, so whenever I get a whiff of BO I usually think, "Damn you, Degree! Oh, how did I become estranged from Sure?"

During the two-hour meeting I either got used to the smell or just forgot about it. Thankfully, it wasn't overwhelming BO. When I got back to my office, I remembered the BO and did a quick armpit check. Right side? No problem. Left side? Can't complain. Deodorant is still holding on, and I'm relieved that I wasn't smelling like Razor Ramon during a meeting.

But now I have to avoid the people who were sitting at my sides during the meeting. I can't put myself in the BO Dangerzone (which was the name of the b-side to Kenny Loggins's immortal "Danger Zone"). What if it rubs off on me? What if their BO is the stench equivalent of SARS? I can't go about my day, while willy-nilly spreading BO. I won't be the Typhoid Mary of BO.

AZT

80s Videos: Separate Ways

2008-10-16T07:24:00.002-05:00

Although everyone is not a fan of Journey, nearly anyone can sing along with the other drunks at the bar when "Don't Stop Believing" comes on at the end of the night. After years of hating Journey on the principle that Sister ZT thought they rocked, I like more of their stuff than I ever thought I would. Liking some of Journey's songs is one thing. Being able to watch this video without wanting the band to be sterilized is another.

First, I offer two wagers: $50 to anyone who can locate a replica of Steve Perry's t-shirt and then will wear it in public. $100 to anyone who will go to the barber and get any of the band's hair/mustache combos and keep it for a full day.

"Separate Ways" video highlights:
0:05 - Get used to the band playing air instruments. The director just couldn't get enough of it.
0:20 - I don't know about you, but when I want to see a foxy lady, I go straight to the wharf.
0:28 - There are bad haircuts and then there's this. Don't give me any noise about Steve Perry's hairdo looking bad just because this video was made in 1983. At any point in time, no man should have a femmullet (or lez mullet, which is pronounced "lay moo-lay").
0:33 - You can feel Steve Perry reach out and grab your soul.
0:56 - Is the guy on the left playing air-keyboard or being a cat?
1:12 - How could these choads have any groupies?
1:55 - Steve Perry is mad!
1:59 - Did this chick escape from a Flock of Seagulls video?
2:14 - Wait for it...Dramatic turn!
2:21 - We go through the maze of wooden pallets. This is more horrifying than that scene in the hedge maze from The Shining.
2:47 - Oh, Jesus.
3:06 - It's too much. I give up.

AZT

80s Videos: Gimme All Your Lovin'

2008-10-09T07:42:00.002-05:00

Tell me that you don't like ZZ Top, not even a little bit, and I'll call you a liar. C'mon. The drummer is named Frank Beard, and he's the only dude in the band who doesn't have a beard. And Jimi Hendrix thought Billy Gibbons was one of the best guitarists around. So there.

Despite all that, I have to admit that this video sucks. The girls can't lip synch and shouldn't even try. Worse than that, watch ZZ Top mime their guitar parts. It's totally off.

At 1:29 they miss an easy opportunity for an orgasm joke with the Coke bottle. The mechanic directs one of the girls to parts unknown (1:35), and then the car keys are dramatically tossed into the air (1:49). And how do ZZ Top magically appear and disappear all over the place? Who booked them for this gig at the gas station? I hope they fired their manager after that.

The biggest fault of this video is the car. This car, which Billy Gibbons owned and named "The Eliminator," made it into a trio of ZZ Top videos: this one, "Legs," and "Sharp Dressed Man." None of that bothers me. What bothers me is that the iconic status of this car undoubtedly lead to the development of the Chrysler PT Cruiser.

AZT

People Who Annoy Me: The Hyper-amused

2008-10-03T08:40:00.007-05:00

I have a stats class this semester, which is the most mind-numbing way to spend your Thursday evening since Friends went off the air. The professor, bless her, tries to make it as interesting as possible, but it's frickin' statistics. So she'll tell us these gag-inducing stats jokes with the hopes that the class will groan about how bad they are.

Example: Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course? He improved his confidence from .95 to .99.

One guy in class always laughs. "That's right! Confidence interval! THAT'S RIGHT! HAW! HAW! HAW! HAW! HAW! HAW! HAW! HAW!" After several weeks of observation, I have diagnosed him with an irritating condition: hyper-amusement.

If you are unsure if an acquaintance of yours has hyper-amusement, try this test. Ask them if they are working hard or hardly working. If they laugh, they are hyper-amused. Only 0.0001% of the population still finds this joke to be funny.

"Hardly working! Oh, my! DSJAPWQOUEMDSBCJLKQWOUPEICXHJWHYDIDTHEBOYGIVEHISPONYCOUGHSYRUPITWASALITTLEHOARSEPQASDJKLASFJLKSJPUQWRMCASFEONW!!!!"

Hyper-amused laugh at your boss's stupid jokes during staff meetings, Family Circle cartoons, and Bill Engvall. 30 minutes in the birthday card section at the Hallmark store is the hyper-amused equivalent of going to see a show at the Improv. If you're not getting a reaction from your friends to your stories about your dog barking at a tree, head straight for a hyper-amused. They will undoubtedly bust a gut.

What's worse are people who hyper-amuse themselves. Self-hyper-amused believe that any story they tell is fit for its own HBO special. "So the officer tells me, 'As long as you pay the ticket, you'll be okay.' I'll be okay? Yeah, like I want to pay a ticket. Huh? HaHaHa. Am I right? [Convulses in self-induced laughter and hacks up phlegm.]"

Doctors are conducting clinical trials to find a treatment for hyper-amusement. They have had some success with a procedure in which a hyper-amused person is forced to watch Gallagher stand-up specials for several hours. Each time the hyper-amused laughs, they get smacked in the head with a two by four.

AZT

People Who Annoy Me: The Office Retard

2008-09-26T09:36:00.002-05:00

We all know one. That one person at work who can't function within the confines of modern society and yet still manages to hold down gainful employment. They're as useful as a third nipple. Not matter how inept and annoying, the Office Retard always stays around. Most Office Retards appear to lack the thought process it would require to blackmail an employer, so exactly how do these people keep a job? It's best not to think too long about this, or your neurons will begin to meltdown. Just sit back and marvel at the prowess of Office Retards.

The Office Retard (or TOR) at my first job after college had a Ph.D. but couldn't operate a fax machine. I doubt that TOR could've operated Velcro. TOR would have conversations that seemed to take place sometime in the future. I was amazed that TOR could figure out how to open a refrigerator door.

At another job, TOR had not mastered the art of writing a standard professional email. Among the nuances this TOR had not perfected were including a subject for the message and sending messages with any explanation for attached files. For instance, TOR would mail meeting materials as attachments to board members and then not write anything in the body of the email. So board members were receiving blank messages that had attachments, and the board members would of course delete the messages thinking they were spam. Some coworkers were convinced that this TOR was attempting to email print jobs directly to the printer. For example:

To: Printer
From: The Office Retard
Subject:
"Printer, please print this paper. I like crackers. Thank you."

My current TOR is in the midst of a Hall of Fame career. On my first day of work I overheard the CIO explaining to her how a phonebook works. ("You know. Last name, then first name. Alphabetical by last name.") During a recent fire alarm, we all had to exit the building and go directly at our assigned meeting place. TOR decided to go for a walk...into the ghetto...before all employees were present and accounted for.

TOR is also incapable of chewing with her mouth closed and eats at a remarkable volume. She sounds like a herd of wildebeest grazing on the Serengeti.

I just learned that TOR had previously enjoyed a two-year stint on administrative leave for setting off fireworks at a different office location. Yeah. TOR got to sit at home for two years, get paid, earn leave time, because a fire marshall didn't write a formal complaint so TOR couldn't be fired outright. Who the hell ever thinks it's okay to bring fireworks to the office and then set them off? Keep in mind that this was at a building with adjudication and police services. For this performance, TOR has been nominated for the Office Retard of the Decade award.

AZT

The New Driver's License Photo

2008-09-14T17:02:00.001-05:00

We all have one, and we all hate them. They are embarrassing. Our friends tease us about them. They are our voicemail greetings. I recently got a message from Johnny Boombox that said, "Yo, dickhead. You need to change your voicemail message. You sound like a douchebag."

So I listened to my voicemail greeting. And I sound like a douchebag. The sad thing is that that message was my fifth attempt at recording a good one. When it's time to record my greeting, I either get stage fright and stumble over what I want to say or something distracts me.

"At the tone, you may start to record your message."
"Beep."
"Uh, oh god. Um. This is me, AZT. Can't come to the [muttered and inaudible] name, number, and a brief message."
"If you would like to rerecord this message, press 1."
[AZT Presses 1]
"At the tone, you may start to record your message."
"Beep."
"Hey, you've reached AZT. I can't...[DogZT barks rabidly at somebody out in the hallway.] Aw, shit."
"If you would like to rerecord this message, press 1."
[AZT Presses 1]
"At the tone, you may start to record your message."
"Beep."
"You've reached [CatZT knocks a plant off the counter.] Damn it!"
"If you would like to rerecord this message, press 1."

You see my dilemma. I've given up trying. Everyone is just going to have to live with my voicemail greeting.

And I really hate leaving voicemail too, because I have to listen to that automated woman give all the directions for how to leave a voice message. We've had answering machines since the 80s. I'm pretty sure most of us can handle this process. And has anybody, anywhere, in the entire history of voicemail, pressed 5 to leave a call back number? That's what call logs are for, YOU DAMNED HARLOT!

AZT

What's That You Say, Sonny Boy?

2008-09-02T19:56:00.002-05:00

I'm getting old. Married. Baby on the way. 30 in November. True, I don't need a new hip yet, but my geezerly tendencies are getting harder to ignore. Here's the evidence.

- Rather than a beer or a mix drink, or even a Coke, I like unwinding at the end of the day with a glass of seltzer. On ice with a slice of lime. Ahh. Refreshment!

- The young people with the headphones so loud on the Metro. Although I'm not concerned about their hearing yet, I do deplore that crap they listen to. Aren't kids into Kenny Rogers anymore?

- Who the hell is Tila Tequila?

- I'm cheap. Honestly. I use the same plastic sandwich bag all week.

- Whenever I wear pants (even jeans), I tuck my shirt in. At 18, I thought that was a sure sign that you were a square.

- I use "square" as a derogatory term for dweebs.

- Miss M and I have already started the "our kids are never gonna know what such-and-such was" business. We have a list prepared to irritate the shit out of our kids: black and white TV, TV without a remote, rotary-dial phones, store-bought porn, and a world without personal computers.

- I can't handle the Dane Cook. Too much action for me.

- Body hair is appearing in ever odder places. I found a black hair growing from my ear lobe the other day. I stared at it with both horror and fascination, a reaction I haven't had since I got my first pube.

- I've been looking into getting a place down in Boca.

AZT

License to Wed

2008-08-22T22:13:00.001-05:00

So Miss M and I are finally married. On the morning of our wedding, I sent a text to nearly everyone in my phone book and asked for tips for my wedding night. Many people replied, but what they didn't know is that they were supplying fodder for my blog. Here are the messages I received. And judging from the evidence, Hollidaysburg is rampant for butt love.

Johnny Utah: In the butt. And don't pee outside a hotel.

Mad Den: Yeah enjoy it and remember how good and easy it was because after that it is rarely ever that frequent and easy.

Shantz: Give her the bologna. That's my tip.

Justin: Bag it up...dont want tot get her pregnant the first night...haha.

Persian: Ahh good makng luv congrats send pix

Johnny Boombox (as Larry the Cable Guy, I assume): Already told ya. Taker er from behint and Git er done. I aint tellin ya again.

Josh B: If she straps something on, run for your life.

Jojo: Sex is like chinese food. Its not over till you both get your fortune!

MKD: None. I think you got it down. Good luck!

Floyd: Jerk off ahead of time so that you can last for more than 5 minutes.

Nicky P: Run away

Jezebel: Happy wedding day! Love you both!

BoBo: Take out everything you got and do it in the butt

jb112: Fuck her gently. But completely.

AZT

AZT Employment Update

2008-08-06T17:54:00.002-05:00

Remember a couple months ago when I was bragging about being a government employee? Yeah, that kind of blew up in my face. I had to scramble to find a new job and landed pretty well. I'm at the DMV now. It's not as bad as it sounds. I'm a Technical Writer/Editor. When anyone can figure out what that means, let me know.

But here's the fun part. I got moved to my permanent location downtown on Tuesday. So I get to my desk and...no computer. No phone. How the hell is a technical writer supposed to get writing done without a computer?

So I did the most logical thing. I hired a scribe. Now if I can get a squire and a herald I will be all set for becoming a feudal lord. I can't wait to plunder the countryside.

AZT

Our Friend Church

2008-07-29T20:16:00.004-05:00

Everyone knew who Jeff Churchill was. If you followed basketball in Blair County, you knew Church. He was the only giant, bald white guy around. I have no idea how tall he really was. 6'7". 6'8" maybe. Well over a foot taller than me. He looked like the lead singer from Midnight Oil on steroids.

I met Church through two high school buddies who went to college at St. Francis with him. I soon learned that with Church around there was never a dull moment. Anyone who knew Church knows that you usually heard him before you saw him. He had this booming foghorn voice. I can remember guys calling me from the bar at 2 in the morning, and I could hear Church, clear as a bell, yelling "FREEBIRD!"

Everyone has a Church story. I have dozens of them and I only got to hang with him periodically over 7 years. My favorite was the time Church and I walked into the U.S. Hotel together. If ever there was a needle scratching on the record moment, this was it. A nearly 7-foot guy walking into the bar with a guy who is barely five-six. A guy sitting at the bar snuffed out his cigarette and said to me, "What'd he do? Shit you out?"

The truth is that Church and I were separated at birth. Or that's what we'd tell people who were drunk enough to believe it. Okay, the real truth is that Church was one of quadruplets. He absorbed the other three in the womb. That's why he was so big.

Now that I'm going to be a dad soon, Church's death really hits me. Kaitlin will never get to know firsthand what a great guy her dad was. Generous, cheerful, and always ready for fun. It isn't fair that he's gone. But like I said, everyone has stories about Church. He lived more in his 31 years than most people do if they live until 80. That's the only thing I can think of to justify losing him so young. That and he made things so much more memorable for the rest of us.

AZT

Lots in a Name

2008-07-24T11:18:00.000-05:00

As expecting parents, Miss M and I have been discussing names here and there. We're going to find out the sex of the baby next month, so we'll have plenty of time to pick something.

No matter the sex, I really want to avoid any goofy trends. For boys, the simpler the better is my opinion. Preferrably one syllable. Something that's familiar but doesn't get used much anymore.

Regardless, we already have a simple boy's name picked.

Now for a girl's name.Again we want to avoid trendy names. These days, it seems like a lot of girls are named after state capitals for some reason. Madison, Cheyenne, Augusta, Helena, Olympia, Harrisburg, and Jefferson City. So we don't want any of that business.

And, of course, you don't want anything stripperish. So there goes Blaze, Sapphire, Jewel, or Sparkle. Actually, I guess those could also be names of female American Gladiators.

And nothing too old fashioned, like Blanche, Dorothy, Agatha, or Mabel. Names like those automatically add 30 years to a woman's age. So far I have a name from a movie I like at the top of my short list. And that is La Fawnduh. La Fawnduh ZT. That has a ring to it.

Of course, we could go for the utterly silly. I just read a story about a judge who demanded that parents change the name of her daughter. Her name? Talula Does the Hula. If you're going to name your kid something like that, you should be legally required to go by "Damn Wussy Sprinkle Fart" for five years.

AZT

Tattoos I Don't Understand

2008-07-12T10:27:00.001-05:00

I still don't understand why people get tattoos. Before you navigate to another page, hear me out for a second. I've given up the argument about how ridiculous a tattoo will look when you get older. Since the tattoo has lost a lot of the symbolism for nonconformity, your stretched out tat will fit in with a lot of the other people's ink at the rest home. What is perplexing to me is the kind of tattoos people get. I'm not talking about the people who have been in jail or a gang and have developed meanings for these. I'm talking about the tattoos on your regular, everyday douchebags.

Spider web on the elbow
This one doesn't look cool. And why is the spider web always on the elbow? I don't know what the hell this signifies. Your elbow is as unkempt as my spare bedroom? You were investigating a crime in a haunted house with Shaggy and Scooby and got some cobwebs on your arm?

Significant other's name
Okay, you get Jim/Kim's name tattooed somewhere on your body. What you've done is ensured that someone other than you will be tapping Jim/Kim's ass sometime within the next 12 months, probably while you're out getting a spider web tattooed on your elbow.

Anything above the shoulders
As my good friend Shantz once said, "If you don't want to have a job, get a tattoo on your face or neck." Wise words from a wise man.

Tribal art
When I hear that a person I've never met has a tribal art tattoo, I can make one of two deductions. 1) The tattee is a white guy, and the closest he ever came to a tribe was when his team played the Braves in Little League; or 2) The tattee is a woman with a certified "tramp stamp" on her lower back. This tattoo has probably been face-to-face with more sausage than Jimmy Dean.

A Chinese character
Why not just get "Respect" or "Grandmother" tattooed in English? We're going to ask you what it means anyway. Save us some trouble, would you please? And how do you know you got the correct character tattooed? The "artist" at the parlor could have just inked "Ignorant Honky" on your ankle. You'll never know.

AZT

AZT Update About Something in Particular

2008-07-10T06:52:00.002-05:00

By now most of you have heard that Miss M mercifully agreed to marry me. You have to admire her willingness to take risks. We've been living together for a year, dating for three, and have known each other for seven. Trust me, she has seen my true self. She has seen me in my underwear, scratching my ass. She can ID my farts. By now you would think she knows what she has gotten herself into. If there were any bets as to when I would propose to Miss M or if I would get engaged before or after someone else, I hope all those wagers have been paid quickly and in full (I'm looking in your direction, Hollidaysburg).

But life goes on amid women congratulating M and men asking me if I know what I'm doing. And while we are engaged, taking summer classes, working, looking for new jobs, and trying to decide on wedding plans, M and I managed another feat; we have created a person. Yes, we expect the arrival of AZT Jr. sometime in early January 2009. Although we've been told the due date is January 7, I am really hoping for the 20th or after, so the kid won't have to endure one day of the Bush Presidency.

For anyone who is hearing this news for the first time, I apologize for not contacting you personally. But seeing as nobody reads this blog unless they think Julian Casablancas is the hottest man on the planet despite what I have to say about it, please consider this my phone call to you with the news. We are having a kid. We are excited. We are terrified.

Luckily for me (and you, I guess), Miss M granted permission for me to use the pregnancy as blog fodder. I promise not to make this all family friendly, Bill Engvally, and not funny. But it seems like this is kind of a big life event, and if I can't get a few laughs out of it, I'll have an aneurysm.

The range of thoughts and emotions you go through when you find out you're having a kid are new and unexpected to say the least. I find that I'm getting concerned about things that are far in the future. I'm not worried that I'll be worthless in the delivery room because I get woozy at the sight of blood or graphic bodily functions in general. And I'm not so worried that I don't know how to change a diaper, feed a baby, coo properly, or when to quit a game of peek-a-boo.

I'm more concerned that when he or she gets to be 12 and older my kid won't think I'm a dick. I already know my kid won't think I'm cool. Even I don't think I'm cool. If James Dean would have had a kid, I bet that kid would've thought Dean was lame. Cool is out the window; I just don't want to be a dick. I can live without being Johnny Knoxville in my kid's eyes, just as long as I'm not Dick Cheney.

AZT

A Quick AZT Update about Nothing in Particular

2008-06-26T13:45:00.001-05:00

I've been really lax about updating this blog lately, but I've had more that a few things going on the past couple weeks. For one, Miss M and I went to my cousin's wedding in Danville. I didn't get to meet Dan, but the town was nice enough. There was one weird thing. The stretch of Route 11/15 between Harrisburg and Selinsgrove had six adult bookstores. What the hell is going on in that part of the state? Are there no women there? Or did Johnny Utah create a porno empire while he went to school there?

I'm currently working on papers about government oversight and oil companies' corporate social responsibility. Yes, summer class is fun.

Despite numerous attempts to become a big fan, I think I don't really like baseball. Oh, I'll go to games and watch the World Series, but that's the extent of it. I blame my local teams. The Pirates haven't had a winning season in 15 years, and they suck again this year. The Nationals are even worse. When does football start?

Still looking for a job for when I finish this internship (assuming they don't decide to hire me permanently). Let me know if you are hiring.

The cafeteria at work offered a hot dog bar (you got to add all the fixin's you wanted) for lunch today. I thought I'd try one. Big mistake. It's not a good sign when the bun is the tastiest part of the hot dog. Can't wait to see what it does on the other end.

I've joined Facebook. So if you're on Facebook, we can be friends. And if you aren't on Facebook, you are a total bastard.

AZT

Carlin

2008-06-23T21:05:00.001-05:00

I got to meet George Carlin briefly a few years ago. He was doing a book signing in Arlington. Admittedly a little starstruck, I think I said something memorable, like "Hi, George. Great to meet you." As with most celebrities, George looked so much smaller in person. I must have had a dumb look on my face because he looked at me like pea soup was about to shoot out my nose. So he signed my copy of When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops, and I was out the door.

And I got to see him perform in Atlantic City. George tried out a lot of new material that night, but he could have read the phone book and I would have been satisfied. So I've seen Ozzy Osbourne, Bob Dylan, and George Carlin. That just about covers it. There aren't many more legends on my list.

AZT

Is It Just Me?

2008-06-09T10:43:00.001-05:00

It could be that the current heat wave has made me delirious. But is it just me or does Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps look a little retarded?

Or maybe I'm retarded with jealousy because I don't know how to swim.

AZT

The Hallway Dance

2008-06-05T09:26:00.000-05:00

I'm getting a tired of doing the little hallway dance. I hadn't done it in a long time, but I've done the dance four times this week.

You know what I'm talking about. You are walking down a hallway as another person approaches you. As you get closer and closer, you move one way to avoid the approaching walker. But he moves in the same direction you do. So you move the other way. So does he. Then you try to cut back, but he tries that to. At this point you've nearly smacked into each other, and you just want to get the hell out of there. You both feel extremely awkward, and then you both mutter something inaudible to make the situation even more awkward. Afterward you feel like a jackass for a minute, and the process is complete until the next dance.

I know pedestrian laws are a drag, but we really need to establish an agreed-upon protocol here. Could everyone just step to the right in these situations? Please? Just one step to the right and then continue. Then we need to start teaching "step right" in elementary schools, holding town hall meetings about it, and requiring it as part of an immigrant's citizenship test.

AZT

Another Exercise in Power Writing

2008-06-03T11:58:00.002-05:00

"Why I Hate Tourist Season" by AZT

Each May in Washington, D.C., tourist season begins. Tourists come to see the many museums, monuments, and historic buildings. However, I do not like tourist season for two main reasons.

First, tourists disrupt the standard operating procedures on the Metro. They talk loudly, demand seating even when they travel one stop, clog escalators and elevators, and incessantly crowd walkways when they try to figure out where they are going. Also, tourists usually have children. These children treat Metro trains like they are jungle gyms; tourists' kids should take a whiz on the third rail if they are looking for a real thrill.

Second, tourists make things unpleasant in general. Tourists are frequently sweaty and sun-burned, and their sight-seeing uniform usually consists of jorts (jean shorts), t-shirts that are identical to everyone in their group, and fanny packs. Tourists walk slowly and tend to travel in large groups. This type of behavior makes sidewalk travel difficult for local residents.

I do not like tourists. I complain about them every year.

AZT

I Love Potbelly's

2008-05-23T14:39:00.001-05:00

For lunch, I had a meatball sub with hot peppers and onions, a bag of BBQ potato chips, and a Coke. Honestly, if you were close enough to talk to me, my breath would decimate you.

AZT

Just a Few Memorable APPI Moments

2008-05-01T08:39:00.000-05:00

MKD and I shared a memorable diversity training session once. During a small group session, a coworker told us that she keeps her sons away from some of her uncles so the boys "won't catch the gay." MKD, who likes the girl-on-girl action, laughed akwardly and waited to see if this coworker was kidding. She wasn't. And she said this during diversity training. We found out much later that this coworker didn't mean "gay gay," she meant "pedophile gay." Obviously. Because all homosexuals are rampant child molesters.

jb112 (who is actually a robot, kinda like C3PO) dared me incessantly to submit my dignity for paltry sums of money. Most of these dares included me wearing bizarre apparel.
Examples:
"AZT, if you rubber butter all over your body and then wear liederhosen to work, I'll give you 37 cents."
"AZT, if you wear a vest with kittens embroidered on it, I'll give you a wooden nickle. C'mon! A wooden nickle."
"If you wear a woman's low-cut, v-neck sweater backwards, I'll give a single share of stock in my nephew's lemonade stand."

Persian telling us about her Halloween costume from the previous year. "I went as a witch but it turned out that I was a whore." Although I wasn't drinking anything at the time, Pepsi shot out my nose.

AZT

Rosslyn People

2008-04-28T10:47:00.002-05:00

This is just a small sample of memorable people who I have created nicknames for here in the Rosslyn section of Arlington.

Cape Lady
I don't know who she works for or what she does, but I assume that she is the leader of some underground vigilante group. Or she truly believes she is a member of the Fellowship of the Ring. I'm talking, of course, about Cape Lady. Cape Lady always wears a cape, black sunglasses, and a frown. Usually it's a black cape, but sometimes she'll throw you off guard and wear a purple one. More staggering than the fact that someone chose to wear a cape/sunglasses combo everyday (regardless of the season) is that there is a store that still sells capes.

Beggar Man at the Metro
Beggar Man at the Metro introduced himself to me years ago when he came up to me on the subway platform and handed me a note. The note said that he was a new immigrant who couldn't speak much English (but could write a perfectly comprehensible note in English) and needed some money to get himself started here in the good ol' USA. So I gave him a dollar, mostly because I was uncomfortable and he didn't smell very good. And because I am a terrible humanitarian. A month after that, I saw Beggar Man again. Same act, same note. I declined to give him money that time.
I see Beggar Man nearly once a month now. Now I just shake my head No as soon as I see him. But I do wonder if he's ever left the Rosslyn Metro. Is he just trying to get enough fare money to get the hell out of there?

Brazilian Flute Band
The Brazilian Flute Band features a bassist, guitarist, and a guy who plays the flute/fife/Brazilian recorder. I could never figure out what the hell he plays. Anyway, as you come up the Metro escalator you can start to hear them jamming in the morning. And they are always playing the same song when I hear them. One day I found myself whistling along with the song they were playing. I decided that I needed a vacation.

Miss Hips
I used to see Miss Hips on the Metro a lot, but it's been a while. I never mentioned Miss Hips to anybody because I thought no one would believe me. Until Miss M (who is not related to Miss Hips despite them having the same first name) came to share a romantic Baja Fresh lunch with me one day, and she saw Miss Hips. I finally had the confirmation I needed.
Miss Hips, as you could probably guess from her name, has hips that are three times her shoulder width. I am not exaggerating. As if to accentuate that, she wears tight pants. This does not flatter her figure because she is quite lumpy from the waist down. Her ass looks like a sack of wet clothes.

Brother Clarence
Brother Clarence runs the shoeshine stand here in this office building. If he knows you or you make contact with him as you walk past his stand, he will shout, "Praise Him!" I've always wanted to ask who I should be praising, but never have. I assume he means Jesus on the account of him praying with people in the lobby and people calling him "Brother" Clarence and what not.
I tried yelling "Praise Him" to people who pass my cubicle throughout the day. But somehow it isn't received very well when it comes from a diminutive white atheist without a booming preacher voice.

AZT

Your Tax Dollars at Work

2008-04-25T09:45:00.001-05:00

Dear Readers,

I have finally achieved the dream. It's all mine: the holidays off, the benefits, the lax work ethic, the pension, the surly attitude. And you have the priviledge of paying for it. Yes, starting May 12, I will be under the employ of the United States government.

Just to rub it in a little more, a lot of government agencies offer a lot of things in house so employees don't even have to leave the building. My new office features a cafeteria, day care for my numerous illegitimate children, a credit union, and a fitness center. (I turned down a job at another agency that had a barber shop in the building. Of course, that isn't much use to me.) And, I'm not kidding you, my new office gave me a piece of cake on the day of my interview.

For a long time, many people have assumed that I worked for the government. The basis for this, I suppose, is that I have had federal holidays off for the passed seven years. But really, almost everyone who works in the DC area gets those days off. Also, my work ethic rivals that of either a union member or a paper clip, so that probably added to the belief that I was a government employee.

But now I finally have a government job. For anyone who doesn't know, if you get a job with the government you just have to do your job well enough so you don't get fired. Then you get all the sweet, succulent bennies. And I will most likely never have to worry about layoffs and pay cuts. It is a nice gig if you can get it.

So next week, I will get a little nostalgic as I recall what has made the past three and half years at a psychiatric association memorable. Stick around as I reminisce about the weirdos, chuckles, and incomprehensible occurences of my time in Rosslyn.

AZT

More?

2008-04-24T08:07:00.002-05:00

They are still at it! I got this yesterday:

Anonymous said...
"Oh, god. You must have your head stuck up your ass.
You may not think he's hot, that's fine, but he is not ugly enough to be on that list and you know it. Geez, he's as pretty as you can get. poopface."

Poopface. That hurts. That's even worse than "poopy pants."

So here is the option of Julian Casablancas fans. You can tell me who should replace him on my list of ugliest male rock stars. Then I will disagree with you and keep Julian on the list anyway. Because I don't care, and I'm a poopface.

AZT

Ask AZT

2008-04-17T13:46:00.003-05:00

This blog is getting boring. Please stop and try to upset some people. - Davis Davidson, Petaluma, CA

Actually, I've been getting quite a few comments about my post on the Top 10 Ugliest Rock Stars (February 16, 2007). Although the post is more than a year old, I am still receiving comments about it. Although it was written in jest (which I thought was obvious), I am still receiving comments about it. Because apparently I've pissed off many Julian Casablancas admirers. Here are six from the last six weeks:

- ana said... "julian casablancas ugly????? please..."
- Anonymous said... "Casablancas doesn't belong in that list."
- Anonymous said... "Take Jules out and post your own pic.."
- Anonymous said... "Julian Ugly ?????? OMFG He's the prettiest man in this world"
- Julie said... "JULIAN CASABLANCAS IS THE SEXIEST MAN IN THE WORLD."
- ritzie said... "obviously this poster has a secret hatred towards JULIAN's inexplicable good looks. HE'S HOT. Any man or woman would admit that."

So ana, the Anonymous Three, Julie, and ritzie, here is another picture of this ugly dude, who you only like because he's in a band. He wears a leather jacket, doesn't wash his hair, and has dark circles around his eyes, and I guess that's a turn-on for you. I also guess that Julian was a dancer in the "Thriller" video and never took off the costume.

And if you want a picture of me, it's in the upper-right corner of this page.

Can a sneeze kill you? - Lillian Murphy, Long Island, NY

This is a popular rumor, and I found this response on Yahoo! Answers:

"Yes, if you hold in a sneeze the air can back up into your sinuses, whereby making a bubble that can travel to your brain and give you brain damage, which can lead to death."

Despite that convincing scientific explanation, I say that a sneeze can't kill you. If you don't agree with me, kick this notion around your noggin for a while. If a sneeze could kill a person, wouldn't we have heard about somebody actually dying from a sneeze?

Celebrities, heads of state, decrepid members of my extended family. Not once have I heard of anybody getting mortally leveled by a sneeze. And until I hear that someone has been knocked off by a nasal expulsion, I won't believe otherwise.

My frat brothers and me were wondering how bitchin our lives are going to be when we graduate with our degrees in communications next month? - Douchebag McHatbackwards, Peoria, IL

You get your first paycheck and for most people it's the biggest amount of money you've ever held in your hands. You tend to make shit at your first job out of college (actually, I'm still making shit, but that's a subject for another post), but it's still a whopping amount of money for most fresh graduates.

Then you start looking at the automatic deductions. Federal tax, social security, state tax, health insurance, 401k. Then there are all the bills you have to pay. Rent (assuming you moved out of Mom and Dad's dojo), car, car insurance, phone, electricity, parking, cable, student loan debt, credit cards, and food. So that leaves you about 37 cents to go out and chase the muff around.

With that in mind, Mr. McHatbackwards, you might want to switch to some liberal arts major and stick around campus for another two years.

AZT

Our Trip to the Jacksonville Wedding - Highlights

2008-04-08T07:46:00.002-05:00

- Our flight gets delayed, which means we will miss our connecting flight in Charlotte. Miss M's mom gets us on a direct flight to Jacksonville, but it doesn't leave until 2. So we will be spending the next four hours in the airport. Tellingly, this turns out to be one of the more comfortable parts of the weekend.

- We (Miss M, her parents, and me) stay at the groom's house. No more than 10 minutes into our stay, we see that the groom's dog, a very sweet boxer named Maggie, has terrible teeth. The gums are so inflamed that you could barely see her teeth. After we point that out, the groom asks if we are sure that she has canine gingivitis.

- Less than five minutes after that, Miss M indicates that the cat has the mange. Again, the groom questions our certainty of this diagnosis. Let's see: The cat is missing large patches of hair. Yup, it's mange.

- When packing for the trip I was told that I'd be attending a rehearsal dinner and a wedding. So I packed a suit for the wedding and a tie, dress shirt, and dress slacks for the rehearsal dinner. When we show up at the bride's family's house for the rehearsal dinner, her father is wearing Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. I loosen my tie so I won't look like a total square.

- The bride's parents also have a cat. That is sixteen years old. That looks like it is wearing a black clown nose. That turns out to be a massive nose tumor.

- The following morning I walk into the kitchen and see that Miss M's mom had bought muffins, bagels, and coffee. How nice. I also see that the mangy cat is sitting on top of the cabinets. And that mangy cat's food dish is on the counter. Ever the polite guest, I grab a Morning Mange Muffin and keep my mouth shut.

- After he sleeps in later than the rest of us, the groom comes out to have a bowl of cereal at the kitchen table (wait for it, wait for it) in his black brief underwear.

- We discover that the happy couple (who are expecting a baby in five months) plan to have the baby at home. In the bathtub. Or maybe the above-ground pool. I'm no real estate agent, but I think that might hurt the resale value.

- There is a definite funk in the room we are staying in. I wonder aloud when the last time our bed linens might have been changed. Miss M threatens me to never broach the subject again under the penalty of death.

- I don't know where she got ordained or what power is invested in her, but the minister performing the wedding ceremony looks like she has just emerged from the primeordial ooze or is, at the very least, missing a chromosome.

- The wedding is not catered. It is potluck.

- A majority of the women at the wedding have neither heard of nor invested in a bra.

- The music is provided by a DJ/musician friend of the couple. He plays guitar and sings. He also has a female singer join him for a few songs. I thankfully don't see this, but Miss M tells me that the female singer isn't wearing underwear.
Me: "Nobody here is wearing a bra."
Miss M: "No, AZT. She's not wearing panties and sat in front of the mic in an unladylike manner."
Me: "Wonderful. Honey, did you try any of the sliced ham?"

- During the reception, we hear the word that the bride's two previous children are to different fathers. Soon after, the bride, four months pregnant and showing, is doing some rather suggestive dancing with a male who is not the groom. At that moment Miss M's dad leans over to M and says, "Oh, lord. She is going to be a problem."

AZT

Yeah, I Only Post YouTube Now

2008-04-03T08:54:00.001-05:00

Did you understand the subprime mortage crisis? Me neither. This is a sketch, but it's probably the clearest explanation I've heard about the current market problems yet.

So I'll be in Jacksonville for a wedding this weekend. It's not Catholic, so none of that 2-hour ceremony BS. Be back next week.

AZT

Bodysnatchers

2008-03-25T08:37:00.000-05:00

For anyone who hasn't been listening to Radiohead since "Creep," you have a lot of catching up to do.

(I hope Thom's head doesn't bobble right off his neck.)

AZT

AZT's Question of the Week

2008-03-19T14:01:00.002-05:00

Why do fat people's shorts suck up in the middle? I saw a very hefty lady at the grocery store last weekend and her shorts were all pulled in at the middle, as if a black hole existed in her crotch and was slowly sucking all the material into oblivion.

Where the hell are fat-people shorts going? If they are running somewhere, I would suggest running away from the crotch, taint, and anus regions rather than toward them.

I wanted to ask the woman I saw last week what was going on with her shorts. "Excuse me, ma'am. Your shorts appear to be getting sucked into the vertex of your thighs. Why? Are you so hungry that your asshole is eating your shorts?"

But I realized that an honest answer might very well scare the bejeebers out of me.

AZT

A Few Quick Bits of Advice from AZT

2008-03-12T11:51:00.000-05:00

- Never trust someone named "Chip."

- Do not apply lip balm, drink from a straw, or skip in public. Unless you want to look like a wussy.

- If you're a state governor and you're looking to spend money on some ass, forget the high-class stuff and stick with a crack whore. They are much less likely to leave a paper trail. You will, however, have to worry about gonorrhea.

- Avoid merange at all costs. It is to sugar what crack is to cocaine.

- If a pack of Girl Scouts is pressuring you to buy some cookies outside the grocery store, try All-Abouts. Really. They're delightful.

- This one is for high school guys. Whenever a girl writes, "You're sweet. Don't change!" in your yearbook, that is code. What it really means is, "Despite your pleasant disposition, you will never get to meet my vagina."

- If you are filling out brackets for March Madness this year, do not do any research. Nobody knows shit about these things. Pick a few upsets, try to guess the national champs. The odds are against you anyway, so savor the fact that your $5 wager will distract you from work during the afternoons of March 20 and 21.

AZT

The Right Time to Waste Time

2008-03-05T10:53:00.003-05:00

I'm amid my post-midterm afterglow, and I'm not feeling especially motivated. So watch my favorite Daily Show clip of all time, "Special C."

AZT

AZT's Hollywood Scoop

2008-02-25T09:01:00.004-05:00

AZT has learned that Daniel Day Lewis, fresh off his Academy Award for best actor, will play the part of the Red Baron Pizza guy in the upcoming saga Savings in the Frozen Food Aisle.

AZT

A Valentine for Everyone

2008-02-14T11:09:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day. I won't quote any sonnets or spout any melodramatic professions of love. I won't say anything that's been said better by somebody else before. Especially if that somebody is Rick Astley. Don't just listen to his words, FEEL them.

AZT

Doritos and the Loss of Innocence

2008-02-06T09:47:00.000-05:00

Doritos, it is time to stop. You have a flavor addiction, and it has to stop. Here is the list of your varieties: Blazin' Buffalo & Ranch, Cool Ranch, Fiery Habanero, Nacho Cheese, Natural White Nacho Cheese, Poppin' Jalapeño, Ranchero, Salsa Verde, Smokin' Cheddar BBQ, Spicy Nacho, Toasted Corn, Zesty Taco, Cheeseburger, Sizzlin' Picante.

Who can handle that much? Are you just messing with us, Doritos? What the hell is the difference between Cool Ranch and Ranchero? And the thought of chips that taste like a cheeseburger is just nasty.

It used to be a simple choice: Nacho or Cool Ranch. That was it. If you wanted something else, you settled for Fritos. But now you have to stand in the snack aisle and ask yourself if you're in more of a fiery habañero or salsa verde mood.

This is totally unnecessary, Doritos. You have very little competition in the flavored-tortilla-chip market. Tostitos only has those lime flavored chips (who the hell wants fruit-flavored chips anyway?). You don't need 14 varieties. Who the hell can keep up with that? A person would really have to be dedicated to their snacks to be able to differentiate and have preferences for all these flavors.

And why all the -in' descriptors for the flavors, Doritos? Blazin', poppin', smokin', sizzlin'. They're hot, they're spicy. We get it. I think the words buffalo, jalapeño, and picante were enough to give us a clue.

One last thing. If I'm watching CSI reruns and washing down a Big Grab of Smokin' Cheddar BBQ Doritos with a 20 oz. Mountain Dew, the chances are that I will not be snowboarding down the Sears Tower anytime soon. Snacks are for leisure. Stop trying to act like we're living an extreme lifestyle if we satisfy our munchies at 7-11.

AZT

Some Reasons I Hate the New England Patriots

2008-02-01T11:53:00.000-05:00

I haven't liked the Patriots since a preFUPA Bill Parcells was the coach and they drafted Drew Bledsoe as quarterback, so its not like this contempt is new this year. Back then I just didn't like them. After they won their first Super Bowl in 2001, I have grown to hate them. And here are just a few reasons why.

1. The uniforms - I've realized that a subtle reason for my hatred of the Patriots is those god awful uniforms. What is that guy on the helmet? Elvis? The Old Man of the Mountain? And all those stripes, like a bicentennial celebration gone horribly, horribly wrong. It's enough to give Tim Gunn a fit.

2. They are NFL analysts' It Team - This is the same reason I hated the Colts for the 2004, 2005, and 2006 seasons. It happens every year. TV NFL analysts pick a team that they will annoint as the dominant team in the league. Then they praise that team throughout the season. And then I hate that team for the remainder of the season. (The Steelers, of course, would be the only exception if they ever become the It Team.) What makes New England especially annoying is that analysts have been waiting for years for this. Chris Berman can barely contain his hard-on behind that desk.

3. Bill Belichick - What's up with the sour puss, Bill? Did your homeless man's hoodie get a stain on it? Granted the guy's a great coach, but I have a problem with this grump being called a genius. This is the same guy who ran the Browns into the ground in the mid 90s. Then Belichick quit his nanosecond long tenure as the Jets headcoach with a note that said, "I resign as HC of the NYJ." And then he went to New England, got an insanely good quarterback, and started winning championships. So all that and he seems like he's a tremendous dick.

4. They represent a region - The New England Patriots. Cripes. Pick a city, would you?

5. I should like them - The Patriots work hard, play smart, fill whatever role is necessary, and keep quiet. And yet . . . . See reasons 1 thru 4.

AZT

A Few Things I Find Offensive

2008-01-30T13:48:00.000-05:00

} Mock turtlenecks.
} Chewing with your mouth open.
} Bananas.
} Backpacks on wheels.
} People who say "I was just going to say..." before they start their actual statement.
} Rachel Ray.
} Standing on the escalator until the goddamn thing pushes you onto stationary ground.
} Musicals. All of them.
} Frequently dropping the acronyms of federal agencies as if someone would be impressed that you know what DARPA is.
} Books with titles like Atomic Lobster.
} Maryland drivers.
} Unresolved writers' strikes.
} Wind.
} Waiting six deep in line for the office microwave.
} Commercials about servers.

AZT

Never Thought I'd Have a Hankering for Wheat

2008-01-25T13:57:00.000-05:00

So I agreed to go on the Fat Smash diet with Miss M. Perhaps you've heard of Fat Smash. It's what they use on Celebrity Fit Club to slim up Kelly LeBrock. My consent to go on this diet wasn't based so much on the desire to lose weight. It's just that whenever there is a chance to follow in the footsteps of Jackee, Willie Aames, Biz Markie, and Wendy the Snapple Lady you jump on that train, my friend.

First the diet says that you need to get the bad stuff out of your system, so Phase I was detox. No meat, no bread, no noodles, no coffee, no soda, no alcohol. All the veggies, fruit, and water you want. You could also have some beans, oatmeal, brown rice, egg whites, and non-fat yogurt. So the basic commandment was, if it hath flavor thou shalt not partake. Nine days of this Hell (although admittedly, I did cheat with a sandwich at lunch before diving all the way in for the last four days).

What I realized during the first phase is that I would punch my grandma in the kidney for a piece of bread right now. And that I'd plunge face first into a pizza and happily suffocate. And that Frank's Red Hot will make anything taste better, which is something I should have known already.

Thankfully, we are now onto Phase II. Some lean meats, a little coffee, a little cheese. But we can still have all the veggies, fruit, and water we want. Oh and a can of diet soda per day. That is if you can tolerate diet soda's liquid-manure aftertaste. This phase lasts for three weeks, and today is Day #3. Damn you, Fat Smash. Damn you.

Still no bread or pasta, which I'm realizing are the things I like the most. And still no booze. Let's see if that one makes it through Super Bowl Sunday. This diet is seriously ruining all that time I've devoted to damaging my liver.

AZT

There but for the grace of YouTube go I

2008-01-18T10:22:00.000-05:00

Okay, I haven't posted in a while, and we all need to get over the shock that Dianne Wiest is Renee Zellweger's mother. (C'mon really. The resemblance is uncanny). The problem is that I have nothing on my mind. But luckily there is YouTube. So please enjoy some muscial and theatrical excellence, courtesy of Hall and Oates.

AZT

AZT's Hollywood Secrets Revealed!

2008-01-02T15:17:00.000-05:00

Dianne Wiest is Renee Zellweger's mother.

AZT

Lasting Effects of the Holidays

2008-01-02T14:28:00.001-05:00

I ended my New Year's and holiday celebrations yesterday with the traditional central Pennsylvania/polack meal of pork, sauerkraut, mashed potatoes, kielbasa, and hot dogs. All of this was, of course, slow cooked in my new crock pot. (Our bond has already become so strong that I have altered my will so the crock pot will have something when I pass on.) I have a head cold, but the pungent aroma of kraut blasted its ways through my clogged sinuses. And oh Margaret, was it tasty!

Now however, I suffer the effects of this monumental meal: kraut butt. My gas is horrid. I keep going to the file room to release the pressure. Pity the poor temp who has to go in there to retrieve something.

AZT

Why I'm Going to Hell: Reason #21,397

2007-12-21T11:39:00.000-05:00

Miss M and I went to a Christmas concert at the church of some friends the other week. In between songs, the reverend would recite a Bible reading, and in one of them he was reading about how the angel Gabriel visited the Virgin Mary and told her that she would bear the son of God. Mary asked Gabriel how she will become pregnant, to which the angel replied, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you."

I immediately looked at Miss M and said, "Gross!" She, of course, slapped my arm. Aside from the biological impossibility of the aforesaid act, I was mesmerized by hearing about a pearl necklace in church.

AZT

I blew myself to bits and all I got was this t-shirt

2007-12-13T12:24:00.000-05:00

I was just thinking about suicide bombers, as I do every Thursday after lunch. A male suicide bomber receives 72 virgin women in heaven as his reward. Does that mean that female suicide bombers get 72 virgin men in heaven? That would amount to 36 minutes worth of sex if she banged all of them in succession.

But I did a little research and discovered that female suicide bombers get the shaft . . . just one of 'em. They get the priviledge of marrying one man when they get to heaven. But her husband will always be trying to go visit his suicide-bomber buddy with the 72 virgins.

And who wants all those virgins anyway? That's 72 times of having tedious "what do we do now?" sex, followed by weeks of incessant phone calls and melodramatic professions of love.

AZT

Trick Question at the Scripps National Spelling Bee

2007-12-07T11:43:00.000-05:00

Before the 8 days are over, I want to wish a Happy Hanukkah to all my Jewish friends.

Now that I've wished you a happy holiday, could you please do me a favor? Decide on one spelling for Hanukkah! Sweet Maccabee. It sounds like you're coughing up phlegm whenever you say it, I don't care if you can spell it 12 different ways. Pick one!

AZT

Just a little...you know

2007-12-06T12:41:00.000-05:00

Have you ever caught yourself doing something and wonder if maybe you're just a little bit gay? Like the other day I caught myself singing a Madonna song.

Me singing: Keep on pushing my love over the borderline. Borderline!
My brain: Dude!
Me: Huh? Oh yeah.

Or last night I was looking for something to watch on TV and I stopped on Pretty Woman.

Me: Oh, that Julia Roberts. When will Richard Gere realize that she's just perfect for him?
My brain: What the hell! First Madonna, now this? One more slip-up and we're going out to buy some Tera Patrick DVDs and a bottle of Jack.

AZT

2007-09-13T09:27:00.001-05:00

AZT

Nighty Night

2007-07-09T15:44:00.000-05:00

After 28 years I have determined that only one thing is treated as sacred in this life, and it isn't religion or family, money, career, whatever. It's sleep. Sleep is the only thing we don't beg off or avoid. In fact we sacrifice many other things (work, school, church, etc) to get more sleep.

And sleep is the only thing that must not be interrupted. If someone calls for you while you're sleeping, you will not have to take that phone call. "Gosh. Really? Your house is on fire. Well, Rick is sleeping or I'm sure he'd help you. Yep, sleeping. Uh huh. I'll give him the message and I guess he'll help you sort through the charred embers of your life when he gets up."

People will tiptoe around and go to extreme measures to avoid waking another person up. If my dad was taking a nap when I was a kid, my mom would ask that I use the sliding glass door if I was leaving because it made less noise.

But I guess there are still garbage trucks and construction crews that could give a shit less if someone is sleeping past 7:30. If they have to be up, everyone has to be up.

But make as much noise as you want, and you won't be able to wake me up anymore. This blog is going permanently to bed. It's been over 4 years and 700 posts (715 with this final one), and I've run out of things to say. I don't have the enthusiasm for it anymore, and I don't think it's fair to expect people to keep checking this page to see if I've posted some mundane crap. When I hit 500 posts, I told myself that I would stop at 1,000. But that's nearly 300 posts away, and at the rate I have been going the past few months, it could be 5 years before I hit that number. And I admit that the quality has been down too.

So thanks for reading, supporting, commenting, complaining, sharing, laughing, and maybe, just maybe, thinking that I had a good idea every now and then over these past several years. I've really enjoyed it and appreciated the thought that people were interested. There were definitely times when this blog was my only alternative for venting frustrations.

Thanks for reading. I hope you are okay.